And my Knee HURTS

Many would be willing to have afflictions provided that they not be inconvenienced by them.
-St. Francis de Sales


I am feeling like a little whiney baby complaining about my knee pain.  It hurts.  It has been hurting for a long time now.  It is exhausting somedays just to sit.  So I finally got into see the Orthopedic Doctor the other day.  I wanted the doctor to tell me that I was going to get a new knee.

Instead I was told that we would be trying cortisone injections.  Not that my knee is not a candidate for surgery, it is. We need to try this first.  So I got the injection.  Then I hobbled out to the car and laid my head on the steering wheel and sobbed.

What just happened?  I did not get the outcome that I thought I was going to get.  Instead I was told I needed to do this other thing first.  No the injections will not cure what is wrong with my knee.  In fact, if and when the injections do not work then yes, I will get a new knee.  I believe the words he used were,  "The golden age for knees is 65."  Small comfort when you can't walk to do your grocery shopping, or pick up you mail, or drive!

I am a couple of days away from the trauma of the visit and I have a different take on things.  No, I still am not really satisfied, however, I was reminded that even a new knee is not a guarantee that I will be pain free.  I am not looking to be pain free.  I just want to be able to function.

Then Matthew Kelly reminded me in his video on Making Sense of Suffering that only our Catholic/Christian faith adequately explains suffering.  Suffering has value.  Suffering has value when we offer it up with Jesus' suffering where it will be perfected.  Not sure that I was willing to offer up my suffering initially. Still struggling actually.

 I know that I am never going to feel the way I did before.  I am going to be inconvenienced.  I am going to be in pain.  It is what I do with that pain that is important.

O Lord,
my knee hurts,
I want to offer it up with Your suffering.

Help me to see this as an opportunity to
join You in Your suffering.

Remind me to look at You on the cross
and be silent.

~Cindy

In the Presence of God...

It is true I am not always faithful, but I never lose courage.  I leave myself in the Arms of Our Lord.
-St. Therese of Lisieux

I have just attended the week long Lenten Mission presented by Fr. Michael Moore of the St. Patrick Fathers.  It was a week filled with intense emotion.  There were times when I was sure that God and Father had spoken.

It had been a challenging week before the retreat. I was feeling inadequate and less then what God expected of me.  I was raking myself over the coals for old and new faults.  I was spending a lot of time beating my breast.

Quickly I found that I was the only one beating me up!  God had forgiven me.  As Fr. Michael would say, "God buried the hatchet.  It was I that marked the spot so that I could unbury it."

I am still thinking and praying about all that was said during the Mission.  It gave me focus and started me walking again with the Lord, sans hatchet.  I am trying to fall into the Arms of Our Lord with abandon.  Trusting Him.  Being courageous.

I stand in the Presence of God,
with all my faults, wounds, hurts,
and disappointments.

I stand in the Presence of God,
with all my doubts and faith.

I stand in the Presence of God,
quietly replying...
Here I am Lord.

~Cindy

Lent...

Let the mouth FAST from foul words and unjust criticism for what good is it if we abstain from birds and fishes but bite and devour OUR BROTHERS? St. John Chrysostom

I actually look forward to Lent.  It is a time to prepare for the great Solemnity of Easter.  I find the quietude of the Lenten Devotions lend themselves to introspection, reflection and action.  I am drawn into the Passion of Our Lord in new ways each time.

Today I was reminded of the quote of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin:

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience."

So many times it is easy to be confused about what and who we are.  The world pulls us in many directions.  We blithely post on Facebook and other social media words of encouragement and passive-aggressive posts begging our friends, and we know who they are, to share if only for one hour to show their support.  Yet we walk past the beggar, the homeless, and gossip.

During this time of Lent, let us quiet our minds and hearts.  Let us listen in the night to the Lord's call for us.

Lord,

Here I am.

~Cindy

The Liturgy of the Hours

Prayer reveals to souls the vanity of earthly goods and pleasures.  It fills them with light, strength and consolation, and gives them a foretaste of the calm bliss of our heavenly home. - St. Rose of Viterbo

I love technology and all my little gadgets.  I revel in the idea that I can put something on my calendar on the phone and it will sync to my computer and iPad.

For awhile now I have been praying the Liturgy of the Hours digitally.  It was easy and straight forward.  I could even listen to it being read to me.  But I have been being pulled back to the Dead Tree Books for a bit.  There are those in my family who at reading this are shaking their heads wondering what took me so long.

I have a lovely prayer book that I use every day and have been having the nagging feeling that it was time to purchase the Four volume set of the Liturgy of the Hours. Thank you Amazon Prime for delivering them it two days!  The down side is that the guide for 2016 is on back order.  So for the time being I go to the digital edition and stumble in my book until I find the correct readings/prayers.

The Deacon at our Church was kind enough to give me the LOTH 101 right after he blessed my volumes. Still stumbling around, but from everything that I have read that is normal.

But I love my books with their ribbons and thin pages.  They rest in my hand and have weight that feels right.  There are no notifications dinging and scrolling across the screen.  I am able to fall into the rhythm of the readings without distraction.

I have ordered the book, "Divine Office for Dodos," from the Confraternity of Penitents Holy Angles Gift Shop.  They promise me that they will have me flipping to the proper Proper of the day in no time!

Lord,
I am so grateful 
for the opportunity to pray in unison
with others around the world.
This gift of the Liturgy of the Hours
is second only to the Liturgy of the Mass.

Let me lift my voice in your praise.
~Cindy

The Feast of the Conversion of Saint Paul

"Therefore, brothers. Stand firm and hold fast to the traditions that you were taught, either by word or by letter from us."
 2 Thessalonians 2:15

The story of Saul being knocked off his horse and blinded is one of my favorite ones from my childhood.  I think that is because I have related to Saul.  Thinking I was doing the right thing and running headlong into the fray.  Judge, Jury and Executioner.

Saul persecuted Our Lord in big ways before his conversion.  Binding up those he thought guilty, having them put to death or imprisoned.

Once Saul saw the light he was baptized and became one of the most important preachers of the Gospel.  He became Paul.  He preached anywhere and everywhere.  He was a prolific letter writer. He was martyred for his beliefs.

I too am guilty of being a persecutor of Our Lord.  No, I haven't had anyone arrested, thrown in prison or put to death.  But I have gossiped.  I have had unkind thoughts roll around in my head for days about someone, so much so that I have imprisoned them in my most unkind evaluation of them.

I have been uncharitable not only with my time, but with my treasure.  I have let my pride stand between me and others.  And is it not true then that it stands between me and my Lord?

There are actual persecutions going on now.  People are being threatened for their beliefs, they are being put to death for their beliefs.  I on the other hand have the freedom to worship when and how I want.  I have a Church and brothers and sisters in Christ at my disposal.  I have ready access to the Sacraments.  I have Freedom!

Lord, help me when I persecute

those around me, with my words,

my thoughts and my actions.

Remind me of the conversion of Saul.

Help me to be a better preacher of my beliefs,

by my words, but more importantly by my actions.

~Cindy

They have no wine...

Mary can teach us kindness..."They have no wine" she told Jesus at Cana.  Let us, like her, be aware of the needs of the poor, be they spiritual or material, and let us, like her, give generously of the love and grace we are granted.  -Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

I have been a bit like that leaf floating down the river.  Not feeling like I have a direction.  Feeling a bit aimless.  Feeling dissatisfied.

I am not sure what I am dissatisfied with, but it is a vague cloud that hangs over me and makes me itchy.

If I look around I have so much to be thankful for in my life.  There are people, even in my own family, that are facing huge financial worries and health issues.  I have a roof over my head, food on my table, clothes on my back, good friends, and most importantly I have my faith!

I am finding my way in this new phase of my life.  I am still enthusiastic about life and all the adventures that await me.  Our Lord has been revealing His mission for me in bits and pieces.  I like the big overview and then distill it down.  God works by handing out hints and teases me with my mission.  Why?  Because it is all about Trust, Abandonment, and Obedience.  The message is always the same.

God:  Trust me I have a plan.
Me: But have you thought about this or this?

God: Trust me I have a plan.  Have I ever let you down?
Me: No You have never let me down, BUT...

You get the picture.  Mary, as Father Charlie reminded me this morning, trusted her Son.  Today's Gospel has the only words attributed to Mary in the Bible.  "Do whatever He tells you."

Wise words indeed.  "Do whatever He tells you."

Lord, I may feel like that leaf floating down a river with no direction.
You have set my direction as I pass over each stone, branch or obstacle in my way.
You move me along in the shallows and the deep.  You let me linger in the stillness.
You move me rapidly when needed.

Lord, keep my heart and ear tuned to You.
Help me to take heed of Mary's words:
"Do whatever He tells you."
~Cindy

The Feast of the Epiphany

The star beckoned the three wise men out of their distant country and led them to recognize and adore the King of heaven and earth. The obedience of the star calls us to imitate its humble service: to be servants, as best we can, of the grace that invites all men to find Christ.
- St. Leo the Great

Our Lord calls all of us to recognize and adore Him.  How we choose to accomplish our mission is as different as each one of us.  All are called to serve.  It may be that we are called to a Consecrated Life, or one of marriage.  Perhaps, we are called to be in a Third Order or simply a Lay person sitting in a pew.  No matter our mission we all have been called.

The star still beckons us to seek Him.  Sometimes it beckons us to places that we do not want to go.  Often we are uncomfortable and yet we are called to follow that star.  I think that the star is such a strong symbol for me as I love to look up at the night sky and stand in wonder in all that God has made.

In that previous life on the boat when sailing at night the stars were guides to follow to a destination.  They were points of light punched in an ebony sky to remind me that I was not alone.  I may have been on a very small boat on the ocean, but I was not alone.  God set the stars out every night to keep me company as I listened to the snap of the sails and the whoosh of the water as it passed under the keel. It was there under the ceiling of "His Great Cathedral" that I heard Him speak to me.  He was a voice of comfort when the storms came.  He was and is a gentle reminder that I have been called.

Lord,
Help me to listen.
Help me to hear with my whole being,
what it is that You ask of me.

May my response to following the star
be quick and steady.

~Cindy