They have no wine...

Mary can teach us kindness..."They have no wine" she told Jesus at Cana.  Let us, like her, be aware of the needs of the poor, be they spiritual or material, and let us, like her, give generously of the love and grace we are granted.  -Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

I have been a bit like that leaf floating down the river.  Not feeling like I have a direction.  Feeling a bit aimless.  Feeling dissatisfied.

I am not sure what I am dissatisfied with, but it is a vague cloud that hangs over me and makes me itchy.

If I look around I have so much to be thankful for in my life.  There are people, even in my own family, that are facing huge financial worries and health issues.  I have a roof over my head, food on my table, clothes on my back, good friends, and most importantly I have my faith!

I am finding my way in this new phase of my life.  I am still enthusiastic about life and all the adventures that await me.  Our Lord has been revealing His mission for me in bits and pieces.  I like the big overview and then distill it down.  God works by handing out hints and teases me with my mission.  Why?  Because it is all about Trust, Abandonment, and Obedience.  The message is always the same.

God:  Trust me I have a plan.
Me: But have you thought about this or this?

God: Trust me I have a plan.  Have I ever let you down?
Me: No You have never let me down, BUT...

You get the picture.  Mary, as Father Charlie reminded me this morning, trusted her Son.  Today's Gospel has the only words attributed to Mary in the Bible.  "Do whatever He tells you."

Wise words indeed.  "Do whatever He tells you."

Lord, I may feel like that leaf floating down a river with no direction.
You have set my direction as I pass over each stone, branch or obstacle in my way.
You move me along in the shallows and the deep.  You let me linger in the stillness.
You move me rapidly when needed.

Lord, keep my heart and ear tuned to You.
Help me to take heed of Mary's words:
"Do whatever He tells you."
~Cindy

Lent

Pay no attention to the affairs of others, whether they be good or bad, for besides the danger of sin, this is a cause of distractions and lack of spirit.
-St. John of the Cross


I did not want to give up Facebook for Lent, but it was the first thing that popped into my head.  Then I shared that with significant people in my life.  Then I tried to back track and think of something else.  No matter where I was or what I was doing the Holy Spirit was most insistent that giving up Facebook would be the most meaningful.

I just posted on Facebook that I was giving it up for Lent.  Now it is official.

Fr. Charlie reminds us that it is not what we do or what we give up for Lent.  It is important that we DO something.

Lately I have been feeling a little lost at sea, drifting with the current, but not interested in much.  My intention is to pay more attention to my relationship with God, open my ears and my heart and let God do the talking.

I hope that what ever you decide to do for Lent that it is a time of strengthening your relationship with God.

Lord,
Here I am
Not too happy with your suggestion
But willing to Trust that You do know best.

Here I am....

~Cindy

I am a worrier!

"All things that are now worrying you can be put into a smile which shows your love of God."
St. Josemaria Escriva


I just returned from some time in Mexico.  It was   a wonderful relaxing time full of walking, amazing food and company beyond compare.

It was the first time I have flown since Michael passed.  I do not like to fly.  I worry and become so anxious.  But I did it.  It was not until I was in Mexico that I came to realize just how tightly I was wound and needed just to relax and breathe.

Each day the Catholic Church at the bottom of an extremely steep cobblestone hill rang the bells at ten minutes to the hour for Mass.  The priest would barely leave the altar and he would return to say the next Mass.  None of the Masses were crowded, yet the bells pealed all the same calling us to Mass or reminding us that Mass was being said.  The doors were open and passersby would peek in or steal a photo and just stand in the door.

I worried that I would not be able to follow along in Spanish but they provided a small four page pamphlet that I was able to follow quite easily.  I was worried that I would not be able to join in any of the singing, but low and behold the Communion song was one of my favorite songs.  In fact, it was the Communion song I had picked for Michael's Memorial Mass.  It was as if Our Lord was telling me see, I really am every where and I really do care about the smallest of your concerns.

Now I am back and a good week away from Mexico. Slowly slipping into my usual routine.  Now I am worried about my up coming trip.  Why?  I don't know.  I do know this.  It was easy to be confident in my opinions and decisions when Michael was there to be my sounding board.  Now I must stand on my own two feet.  For the first time since I was in High School I do not have a man in my daily life.  No one that I am dating, or thinking about dating.  No one that I am married to.  Just me, Cindy.

I am learning who I am and where I want to go.  I am learning what kind of person I want to be.  I am learning to rely on me.  It is so different when you can't say that your partner led you one way or the other.  It is easy to dismiss them and their opinions when you know that they will be there to pick you up.  It is easier when they know that you worry about every little thing and they assure you that you are doing alright.

I know that sometimes Michael must chuckle or laugh out loud at me and some of my foolishness.  I still talk to him and know that I always will.  I am getting stronger.

Lord,
You know how I worry and fret,
You know my lack of trust.
Help me to let go and trust you.
You would think by now I would know
that Your plan always outshines mine.

~Cindy

My One Year Blog Anniversary!

One year ago today I began this blog.  I was complaining about being in the desert.  I was so unsure about what God wanted from me.  In this one year He has begun to lift the veil and show me His plan.  I have not always agreed with His plan, but as we all know God has a way of bringing you around to His Way.

Today in St. Paul's letter to the Romans I could see the community being read St. Paul's words.  He was so full of passion and his words moved me.  I was and am especially moved by this passage:

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I wish that I could tell you that I have this confidence that St. Paul speaks of everyday, but, no I get sidetracked.  I become uncertain.  I am afraid.  Then ever so gently God speaks and calms my heart and mind.  I am reassured by His word.  Our Lord gives me His Mother for my mother.  She strengthens me daily.

Lord, I know not what you have in store for me this coming year.
I face it with full knowledge and confidence that You will be beside me.
You will be my strength and comfort.
You may test me, but You will give me the grace to endure the test.
And I shall Rejoice!

~Cindy

Trust, Abandonment, & Obedience

Trust, Abandonment, & Obedience...that is quite the mouthful!  Yet for a week it has been my meditation.  The Holy Spirit gave me these three directives while talking to my prayer partner.  We both struggle with trust.  We doubt ourselves and find that soon we can only see obstacles to what God wants for us and for what God wants us to do.

It has come to me that if I can trust God then I am able to abandon my will, desires, etc for His Will and His Desires.  It then follows that I will be Obedient.  Obedient to Him, who only asks that I TRUST IN HIM.

It sounds so simple and it is.  Little children trust their parents completely.  Children will love and trust an abusive parent.  So how is it that I who have a loving, caring Father in God have a hard time trusting.  Simply because I am a sinner and human.  Oh and I need a 2x4 to get the message.

God put me in the desert, not just figuratively but in reality.  It can be a dry lonesome place with prickly thorny plants and little water.  Yet, it is also filled with the solitude that I need to hear God.  It is full of plants that though prickly and thorny have blooms that take my breath away.  An there is enough water to sustain life.

God in His great mercy provides for me.  The other meditation He gave me is from Venerable Charles de Foucauld.
"One must cross the desert and live there to receive God's grace.  It is there that one can drive away from oneself everything that is not God."



Lord, help me to live in the desert with more peace so that I may drive away everything that is not God.

~Cindy

Jesus, I Trust in You

 I have been drawn to reading the Diary of Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska.  For about 2 years I have been praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy and even did the Novena last year in preparation for Mercy Sunday. But it is now that the message is becoming clear to me.  It is TRUST!

I am trying to trust.  I keep coming back to; Trusting in the Lord.  Being the kind of person that likes lists, plans and Being in Charge.  Trust is and has been a big issue for me.  I know...if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans.  I am sure that He is rolling on the floor laughing.

He also knows that this limbo that I am living in is so extremely painful for me.  I can't make a list, a plan and I am definitely NOT in charge.  I am a blubbering mass of sorrow and grief.  I am a quivering ball of emotions.  I am in fear of imploding on myself.  And then ever so gently Jesus hits me right between the eyes with a 2X4.  HE has a list, a plan, and HE is in Charge!  He knows that I am worried.  He knows that I am afraid.  He knows how much pain I am in right now.  All he asks is that I trust Him.

Father Charlie reminded us today that all the readings were about people worried about their futures and what was in store for them.  The message, then as now, is Trust in Me.  St. Faustina heard the message from Jesus.  It was then and is now, Trust in Me.

So here I am Lord in all my tears and fears trying my ultimate best to Trust.  To trust that the plan you have for me is so much better than any thing that I could image or hope for myself.  To trust that You truly are carrying me in Your arms and if I would just relax it would be all better.

So to once again borrow from Father Charlie: "You don't worry about what the future holds, when you know who holds the future."

Lord,
I put my worries in your hands.  I am putting down my lists and plans and being in charge.  Help me to Trust that You have the ultimate plan for me.  Help me to wait in Joy for that revelation.

~Cindy

The Summons

In today's Gospel we are called to leave everything and become a disciple of Christ.  As the Homily reminded me, being a Disciple of Christ is not an ala carte affair.  We must accept all his teaching.  We must leave our families and our possessions and even our own lives.  This is not an easy thing.  Jesus did not tell us it would be easy.  We are reminded that without the Cross there is no Crown!

Called to embrace our enemies.  Called to forgiveness. Called to love the unlovable.  We are called to be Christ in the world.

Because my words seem inadequate to my own ears I will borrow from John L. Bell.

The Summons

Will you come and follow me,

 If I but call your name?

Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?

Will you let my love be shown, 

Will you let my name be known,

Will you let my life be grown 

In you and you in me?

Will you leave yourself behind,

If I but call your name?

Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?

Will you risk the hostile stare

Should your life attract or scare?

Will you let me answer prayer 

In you and you in me?

Will you let the blinded see,

If I but call your name?

Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?

Will you kiss the leper clean,

And do such as this unseen,

And admit to what I mean 

In you and you in me?

Will you love the "you" you hide,

If I but call your name?

Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?

Will you use the faith you've found

To reshape the world around,

Through my sight and touch and sound

In you and you in me?

Lord, your summons echoes true

When you but call my name.

Let me turn and follow you

And never be the same.

In your company I'll go

Where your love and footsteps show.

Thus I'll move and live and grow

In you and you in me.

~Cindy

Day Three of my Retreat

Wow!  It has been a busy week.  I have driven to Las Vegas twice on business and that was tiring.

A Gift for my morning

The prayer for today is:

Come, Holy Spirit, living in Mary.
 Give me the grace to reject Satan and follow Christ more closely.

Yes, please give me the grace to reject Satan in all his forms.  My sharp tongue and impatience.  My quick anger.  My doubt.

How it must hurt you that I can lay down my Rosary and immediately be so angry at some small slight.  I want to offer this little things up, but I keep failing.

I again ask for your mercy and your grace.  Without them I am lost.

Petition of Frater-Soror

My Spiritual Journey has been a bumpy one to say the least.  I took myself away from the Church several years ago and during that time I married.

Of course we were not married in the Church, we were living in sin.  A little over two years ago I decided that I was being called back to the Church.  Our Lord can be persistent.  My difficulty was that my husband was not hearing the same call.

Life has changed yet again and now we both want to be in Full Communion with the Church.  Yes, he could petition of an annulment, but we do not think that we have time for that.  He has been diagnosed with metastatic pancreatic cancer.  Currently, he is doing palliative Chemotherapy so that he can have some time.  Time to get his life in order.  Our Parish priest was most helpful in leading us in the direction that he felt would be most expeditious.  Therefore, we are petitioning for a Petition Frater-Soror.  In other words to live as Brother and Sister.

Oh, there are complications.  We live in Arizona but have chosen to go to the Parrish in Nevada.  It is only across the river a 15 minute drive. Not to worry, we live in the digital age and he could fill out the Diocesan paperwork.  He called the Arizona Diocese and got his code so that he could enter the data. Complication...the Arizona Bishop will not sign the Petition Frater-Soror unless it comes from the Parrish Priest in Arizona. Our Priest has spoken with the Arizona Priest and the Arizona Priest will meet with us today and decide if he will support our Petition.

I understand that sometimes we must deal with the business side of the Church and that it has its place.  However, I am disappointed.  I am hurting.  I am concerned for our souls.  I long with all my heart to receive the Holy Eucharist.

Lord, I have to lay this at Your feet and walk away.  Walk away in Trust that You, who can move mountains know the desires of our hearts and will send the Holy Spirit to whisper in a couple of ears.

Jesus, I Trust in You

~Cindy