I was a Happy Sinner!

There was a time when I was happy in my sinfulness.  I rolled around in it like pigs roll in mud.  Not only was I happy to be a sinner, I encouraged others to get down in that mud and roll around with me.

Yes, in the back of my mind I knew I needed to rise out of the pigpen and flee back to my Lord.  I thought that I had plenty of time.  I WAS WRONG!

Yes, even at the last second you can with sincerity ask for forgiveness and it will be granted to you.  He pays the workers in the vineyard no matter the time, they came to labor.  He rejoices for the prodigal sons and daughters and He rejoices for the lost sheep that is returned to the flock!

That is why I am going to lure her
and lead her out into the desert
and speak to her heart.

I am going to give her back her vineyards,
and make the Valley of Achor a gateway of hope.
There she will respond to me as she did when she was young,
as she did when she came out of the land of Egypt.
Hosea 2: 16-17

I needed to be lured to the desert.  God knew that I needed to be away and have time for silence so that I could hear Him.  He knows how easily I am distracted.  He knows how loud it can be in my head.  He calms me in the silence and there He tells me of his love.

Lord, I would walk in the desert all the days of my life,
If it is there that You want me.
You will be my water and my life.
It is Your voice that sings to me in the morning and the night.
Like a lover you call to me in the silence of my heart.

~Cindy

Trust, Abandonment, & Obedience

Trust, Abandonment, & Obedience...that is quite the mouthful!  Yet for a week it has been my meditation.  The Holy Spirit gave me these three directives while talking to my prayer partner.  We both struggle with trust.  We doubt ourselves and find that soon we can only see obstacles to what God wants for us and for what God wants us to do.

It has come to me that if I can trust God then I am able to abandon my will, desires, etc for His Will and His Desires.  It then follows that I will be Obedient.  Obedient to Him, who only asks that I TRUST IN HIM.

It sounds so simple and it is.  Little children trust their parents completely.  Children will love and trust an abusive parent.  So how is it that I who have a loving, caring Father in God have a hard time trusting.  Simply because I am a sinner and human.  Oh and I need a 2x4 to get the message.

God put me in the desert, not just figuratively but in reality.  It can be a dry lonesome place with prickly thorny plants and little water.  Yet, it is also filled with the solitude that I need to hear God.  It is full of plants that though prickly and thorny have blooms that take my breath away.  An there is enough water to sustain life.

God in His great mercy provides for me.  The other meditation He gave me is from Venerable Charles de Foucauld.
"One must cross the desert and live there to receive God's grace.  It is there that one can drive away from oneself everything that is not God."



Lord, help me to live in the desert with more peace so that I may drive away everything that is not God.

~Cindy

The Night

We had a hard night Lord.  Anxiety covered us like a dark cloud and we shivered in our fear.  We couldn't lay in the bed and be comforted.

We sat in the living room with the fireplace going, he in his recliner covered with his afghan and I in a chair drawn close to him.  We sat in the glow of the fire and I rubbed his back.  Fear was in the room. We had no words to say, no comfort to give, and then he asked, "Can we pray the Rosary together?"

So we sat in the night with our Rosaries in hand and prayed the ancient words together.  We offered up our fear and asked that you take it or help us carry it.  We are unable to do this alone.  Finally he said he was able to lay back in bed.

We are bound together with you, Lord.  We are nothing without you, Lord.  Help us in our fear.

~Cindy

The Stone in My Heart

Lord, there is a stone in my heart.  It feels so heavy today.  It is more like the boulders that dot the landscape.

Then there is the young girl, who looked to be in her late twenties in the doctor's office.  She was almost running as she left.  The tears were streaming down her face and her mother followed behind looking stunned.  My heart went out to them and I asked you to show Your Merciful Face.  To fold them in Your Arms.  To comfort them.

I ask you to comfort us as we struggle with this cross you have given to us.  Help us Lord to keep getting up when we stumble.  Help us as we stand empty before You, with nothing more to offer.

Help me to remember that tears are prayer also.

Lord, there is a stone in my heart.

~Cindy

I am the light of the world

Getting up in the dark to take Cynthia to work has given me a chance to watch the world wake up.  I loved getting up while living on the boat and watching the moon set and the sun rise while sitting in the cockpit and contemplating my day.

Now I sit in the desert and watch the lights twinkle in Laughin across the river.  The moon still sets and the sun still rises.

This morning as I sat waiting for Cynthia, I was reminded of a time on the boat when we were on the Inter-coastal Waterway.  It was dangerous to travel at night and we planned each day to be somewhere safe away from the traffic of the barges.  One day in Louisiana we failed to get to our anchorage before dark.  Dark, I have never seen it so dark, as it was that night on the ICW with no moon or light of any kind except the glow of our chart plotter.

Our safe anchorage was what they call a hidden anchorage.  It was only as you lined up with some trees and motored through the lily pads that it opened up to a cove that two boats could fit in.  We missed it in the total darkness and were hard aground.  Stuck in the darkness.

It is so easy to get stuck in the darkness.  We make bad decisions, we forget to pray, we think that we can do it ourselves.  We let petty slights fester into gaping wounds.  And so we sit in the darkness with danger all around us.  We forget that Jesus is the Light of the world.  We forget that He holds us in the palm of His hand and has called us by name.

So this morning I was drawn to two verses about light.

John 9:5 While I am in the world I am the light of the world.

Romans 13:12 The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light.

Lord, help me help you be the light of the world, the dawn is breaking!

~Cindy

Prayer, Pruning and the Blessed Mother

Wow what a morning!

I was up before the dawn to take my daughter to work.  There it was the velvet sky with the moon shining brightly and a scattering of stars to dust the sky.  I was filled with wonder and couldn't wait to be able to get home and meditate under that sky.

I was not disappointed.  The celestial dance began with the moon beginning to set and fade and the sun rising and growing lighter and lighter.  I was reminded of a quote of Pope Francis:

" Jesus is the sun and Mary is the dawn announcing his rising."

As I watched in wonder my heart felt as though it would burst with love for my Beloved.  He had created this morning just for me.  It was His Gift to this little sinner sitting in the desert.  But he was not done with His Tender Mercies.  No He had so much more in store for me.

Opening my reading for the day on my Retreat to Consecration to the Blessed Mother the words of Mother Teresa broke my heart open!

"Our Lady's role is to bring you face to face...with the love in the Heart of Jesus Crucified."

Mother Teresa goes on to remind us the Our Blessed Mother is pleading with us to "listen to Jesus' thirst."

I continued to meditate while pruning the unruly shrubs.   They aren't shaped as I would like them.  I thought well I am not shaped as Jesus would like me to be either.  A clip here and a snip there.  I stopped to look again at the moon and then I saw the tool in my hand.  A pair of rusty pruners. My prayer life is like that rusty pair of pruners.  I know what I want, but instead of maintaining them so that them are efficient and useful, I have left them to rust in the dark corner of the shed.  Forgotten.

A prayer life can be like that, rusty, not efficient and left in a dark corner, forgotten.  But then you take it out and dust it off.  You clean off the rust and oil the hinge and immediately it is more efficient.  Now it is ready to shape your life.  To make it a worthy gift to give our Lord.

Wow what a morning!

~Cindy

The Summons

In today's Gospel we are called to leave everything and become a disciple of Christ.  As the Homily reminded me, being a Disciple of Christ is not an ala carte affair.  We must accept all his teaching.  We must leave our families and our possessions and even our own lives.  This is not an easy thing.  Jesus did not tell us it would be easy.  We are reminded that without the Cross there is no Crown!

Called to embrace our enemies.  Called to forgiveness. Called to love the unlovable.  We are called to be Christ in the world.

Because my words seem inadequate to my own ears I will borrow from John L. Bell.

The Summons

Will you come and follow me,

 If I but call your name?

Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?

Will you let my love be shown, 

Will you let my name be known,

Will you let my life be grown 

In you and you in me?

Will you leave yourself behind,

If I but call your name?

Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?

Will you risk the hostile stare

Should your life attract or scare?

Will you let me answer prayer 

In you and you in me?

Will you let the blinded see,

If I but call your name?

Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?

Will you kiss the leper clean,

And do such as this unseen,

And admit to what I mean 

In you and you in me?

Will you love the "you" you hide,

If I but call your name?

Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?

Will you use the faith you've found

To reshape the world around,

Through my sight and touch and sound

In you and you in me?

Lord, your summons echoes true

When you but call my name.

Let me turn and follow you

And never be the same.

In your company I'll go

Where your love and footsteps show.

Thus I'll move and live and grow

In you and you in me.

~Cindy

Instant Happiness

There it was at the checkout line in Wal-Mart hanging among the cards for iTunes, AT&T, Cheese Cake Factory...Instant Happiness for only $25.00

I grabbed it thinking this is just what I need...happiness and instant no less.  Much to my chagrin it was for the Chipotle Restaurant.

So many times we want life to be easy.  Easy is good we think, but God has different plans.  He knows that we need struggle in our lives.  It seems that we grow most during the times of struggle.

When God had Moses leading the Israelites out in the desert he fed them with manna, provided water and the 10 Commandments.  And still they grumbled and whined and complained and then threw a party worshiping another god.  They were looking for Instant Happiness.

Every morning I pray the Divine Office.  The morning pray starts out:

God, come to my assistance.
-Lord, make haste to help me.

Yes, Lord make haste to help me for I am not doing such a good job lately.  I am angry, tired, frustrated, stuck, hurting and longing for some happiness.

So these are my intentions for the day:

Soften my sharp tongue for it cuts deep.
Lord, make haste to help me.

Help me to be patient.
Lord, make haste to help me.

Help me to offer up my small suffering, for yours was greater by far.
Lord, make haste to help me.

Help me to realize that I am not stuck, only standing in front of you, Lord waiting.
Lord, make haste to help me.

Help me to see that happiness is in me waiting for me to open the door.
Lord, make haste to help me. 

~Cindy

I Did Not Want To Come

When we moved to the desert, I did not want to come.  I am not a desert person. I would tell that to everyone and anyone that would listen to me.  I did not want to look at sand and beige.  I wanted green, the jungle the ocean.  But I was called to the desert.

I wasn't like John the Baptist making straight the path for the Lord. No not me.  I was questioning and quite frankly whining.  Several people tried to explain why or give me reasons.  I wasn't buying any of it.  My life was turned upside down.

Slowly the Lord began lifting the veil and gave me small glimpses of what he wanted.  It was so simple.  He wanted me.  Me, the one that had turned her back on him so many times.  He knew me well.  He knew I was a two by four learner.  The two by four that He choose was His Mother.  The weapon was the Rosary.

It started slowly the praying of the Rosary. Hurried prayers in the early morning or late at night. Repetition of the rote prayers taught so many years ago.  Slowly my heart began to be softened, my ears began to be opened, my eyes began to see.

And so it started...praying the Rosary