Looking Into My Parents Marriage

Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it be rather a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
-Kahil Gilbran, "The Prophet"







As a child I viewed my parents simply as my parents.  I had no understanding of their triumphs or tragedies.   Their struggles, if any were concealed in the fact that they were my parents.   They were in many ways a mystery to me.

Now they have celebrated 65 years together!  Now I am assisting them as they face the fact that my father is dying and in home hospice.  I do not claim to understand their marriage, for it is still a mystery to me.  But I have had moments where clarity of their love, respect for each other, and their Faith in the plan of The Man Upstairs washes over me.

I see the dance that they have perfected over the years.  Sometimes one is the leader and other times not, they twirl and spin through the life they have created with the occasional mis-step, but always the hands reach out across the space and they continue their dance.

The music that they dance to is private.  Occasionally, I can faintly hear it in my heart; where the best music is played.  The look that passes between them, the kiss for no reason other than they want to kiss each other, and the laughter.  There is so much laughter and so many memories that they are sharing.

I can see them now as people, people that I have been privileged to call my parents.  They are the best example of what marital love is that I know.  They have lived their wedding vows completely.

Lord, Thank you for the example
of married love that you provided to me.

Continue to strengthen their love and give them
Your Peace.

-Cindy

Not a Perfect Partner..

"We cannot separate love for God from love for man. We acknowledge God easily, but our brother?  Those with whom we do not identify in his background, education, race, complexion.  We could not have imagined that love for God could be so hard."
 -St. Edith Stein

Todays first reading came from the book of Genesis.  It is the story of God creating woman out of the rib of man.  Father reminded us that God made a suitable partner for man. God did not make a perfect partner for man. This was so that together they would grow in love, understanding and support of each other.

Father related a Sufi Muslim story about two friends, who over coffee discussed why one of them had never married.  The man explained that he had met many women that he thought would be the perfect partner.  Yet, each time he found some fault with them.  He claimed that only once he had met the perfect woman.  "So why did you not marry her?"asked his friend.  His reply, "She was looking for the perfect man."

It brought tears to my eyes.  Michael and I certainly were not perfect partners.  We were in fact suitable partners.  It took us awhile to figure that out.  We spent many years lamenting that our partner was not perfect.  In the end though we looked at each other with new eyes.  Eyes that saw the truth of our suitability and love for each other.  Michael thank you for being my suitable partner.  You taught me so many things.  You were my rock, my number one cheerleader, and my friend.

Lord, again You have
shown me the truth of Your ways.
Help me to see you in each person I met.
Help me to see that their imperfection are only
a reflection of my own imperfection.
~Cindy

An Anniversary and a Peach Cake

"In the evening of life, we will be judged on love alone." St. John of the Cross


Facebook reminded me that on  25 August of 2013 I had posted the picture to the left.  It is a Peach Cake that I made for our Anniversary that year.

At the time we knew that we had little time together and each day was a cause for celebration.  I made a peach cake because at that time Michael craved peaches.  I think that we bought out several grocery stores just to keep our own supply plentiful.

This year I spent what would have been our 25th Wedding Anniversary with my parents.  I made a peach cake in Michael's memory and as we ate it that evening we remembered Michael.  We celebrated his life once again.

In the evening of Michael's life he need not worry, as he showed so much love.  He is missed and remembered by many.  As for me I will miss him until we are together again.

Lord,
You give us the gift of memory,
to remember our loved ones.
To celebrate their lives.

Help me as I continue to move forward,
To carry His memory with me.
In the evening of my life, 
I pray that I have sufficient love on which 
to be judge.

~Cindy

The Year is Complete

Death is no more than falling blindly into the arms of God.
St. Maria Maravillas de Jesus

I almost can not comprehend that it has been a year today that Michael passed into eternity.  Some days it feels like mere minutes ago and some days it feels like eons have passed.

I have learned a lot about myself this past year.  I have encountered such kindness.  I have been disappointed by some and absolutely amazed by others.

This year I was drawn to purchase a Menorah.  As I researched how to correctly use it and celebrate Hanukkah I discovered that Hanukkah this year began on the day of Michael's Memorial Mass Celebration and will end on Christmas Eve.

First Night of Hanukkah

As I light the candles and pray the prayers I am comforted.  I have always found comfort in lights and  a lit candle in a window is a welcoming sign.  Hanukkah reminds us of God's miraculous love for us and His willingness to give us physical signs of His love and care for us.

When I am sad and missing Michael I know that it is more for me than for him.  I am happy that he is not suffering anymore.  More than anything I am grateful that Michael reconciled with the Church and God and was able to find peace.

I miss you Michael and am so very grateful for all my memories of  "our little life".

Lord, watch over me and those who loved Michael today.
Help us to remember the good.
Help us to remain grateful for all Your graces and comfort.

~Cindy

This seat RESERVED

If we are going to a fine dining restaurant we usually need a reservation.  We buy tickets in advance for concerts, ballgames, and other events.

At church usually we do not have a reserved seat, but if your church is like my church many of us, myself included have a seat that we consider ours.  We can get very upset if we find someone in "our seat".  Father reminds us that it is only a seat and we can sit anywhere.  Easy for him to say, he has a reserved seat.

If I think about it I do have a reserved seat.  When Jesus gave up his life for me He reserved my seat. He reserved seats not for the holy perfect ones, no He reserved seats for sinners!

These reserved seats are for the:
Liars, adulterers, misfits, prostitutes, tax collectors, the criminals, the hedgers, the ones that are lost.  These reserved seats are for the ones that feel unworthy, unloved, undervalued and the ones that are afraid.

These seats are for us.  So come and take your seat next to mine and let us find Peace.

Men go abroad to wonder at the height of mountains, at huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering.

St. Augustine

Lord, help me not to pass by and not wonder at the beauty of all your creation.
Help me to be a reflection on Your love and peace.
Help me to slide over so that another may sit down next to me.
Let us lift each other up.

~Cindy

To Live in Love...

"To live in love is to sail forever, spreading seeds of joy and peace in hearts."

This quote of St. Therese of Lisieux sounds so easy.  It is part of her Little Way.  There was and is nothing simple about her Little Way.  It is total and complete abandonment of her self to Christ Jesus.

She focused on the little things that bothered her or caused vexation.  The little day to day things that moved her away from the one she loved.  She offered up the clicking teeth of the nun behind her as they were in Chapel.  She was sweet to the nun that irritated her.  She was in fact so good and sweet that the nun in question once said to Mother Superior, "I am not sure what I have none to make Therese love me so much."

I am not sure what I have done to make God love me so much!  I am such a great sinner.  I struggle daily with the little things that irritate me and cause vexation.  I roll my eyes in church at the talkers, the laughers during the Rosary, etc.  All the while forgetting that they are lonely and look forward to Mass as a time to talk to someone else.  I do not know their story or sorrows or needs or concerns.

Instead of feeling superior I should be humbled that I am more than willing to overlook my faults and focus on the faults of others.  I am surprised that I do not knock people unconscious with the plank that is sticking out of my forehead!

Every day God allows me to use my free will to choose to live in love or to be petty, angry, jealous, or bitter or unloving.  Every day God gives me a chance to be kind, forgiving, loving and to sail forever spreading seeds of joy and peace in hearts.

It is not my job to cure the entire worlds ills.  It is my duty to attempt to live in love!

Lord,
I want to sail forever!
I want to live in love,
I want to spread seeds of joy and peace in hearts.
I am but an empty vessel lifted up to you to fill and use as You need.

~Cindy

Our Father, Who Art in Heaven....

Hello Father,

It is me, Cindy.  I am struggling a little today Father.  You see tomorrow is Father's Day and tho I still have my earthly father, for which I am so grateful, my children do not.

Not one of my children. Not my birth children.  Not my adopted children. Not my step-children.  They have all lost their earthly fathers and I am sad for them.

I know that they have you, their heavenly Father, but they are not as aware as they could be and so they do not have the comfort of your Love.

It is through my fault, my most grievous fault that they did not fully come to know you.  I was busy with my life and I forgot to tell them about you.  So now I pray that they come to know you.  That they come to know your love for them that is everlasting.  That somehow I can be a beacon of light that reflects your love so that they may find their way home.

Yes, Father I have a request.  I ask for the repose of the souls of their fathers: David Wayne Lawson, Larry Allen Paddock, & Michael Edward Miller.

Love,

Cindy

Come to Me...

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

I am weary Lord.  My heart is heavy and yet I find comfort in Your word and Your promise.

I look for Your blessings and find them in little things.  Laughing on Christmas Day with family.  Enjoying a sunrise or sunset.  Completing the tasks that are numerous before me.

I especially want to Thank You for the feeling I had yesterday as I hugged Michael's urn.  For just a moment he was back in my arms.  I wanted to hold him forever.

Lord, help me to lay my burdens down and lay in Your arms.

~Cindy

The Fourth Sunday of Advent Arrives

Sound the trumpet in Zion; the day of the Lord is near; he comes to save us, alleluia.

Open to me the gates of holiness;
I will enter and give thanks.
This is the Lord's own gate
where just men may enter.
I will thank you for you have answered 
and you are my Savior.





Here we are days away from Christmas, all our preparation almost complete.  I finally put up a small simple tree that my sister lent me.  I only put on small white lights.  It sits in the window like a small beacon in the darkness.

It is barely four days since Michael passed into eternity.  Our preparations to tie up his earthly life are just beginning.  The preparation for my new life without his physical presence is upon me.

I feel like the night that we were crossing to the Bay Islands on Dragonheart and the seas were confused and large.  We were tossed about and felt lost, lonely and afraid.  Yet, as dawn broke even though the ocean was steel gray dolphins came to swim beside us and remind us that this night was ending and the new day was dawning full of promise and land.

Psalm 30:5 reminds me:

Weeping may last through the night, but JOY comes with the dawn!

My joy will come....I love you Michael...

~Cindy