The Second Sunday in Advent

I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.  -Anne Lamott

Facebook has memories of posts from a year ago, two years ago and even longer.  The memory that came up for me was from three years ago.  It was a link to Caring Bridge.  It was the update about Michael.

My Advent has become a time of waiting in a new way.  In the update it spoke of how chemo was ending and he was coming home to die.  It spoke of how happy we were that the cancer had not metastasized to his brain.  It spoke of hospice. We were waiting!

God in His Mercy allows us to wait.  I believe that in the waiting we can become calm and surrender ourselves and our circumstances to Him.

Grace enters whenever we open our hearts, minds and souls to accept it.  It is always there waiting to enter our lives.

Last night I watched part of Risen, which is about the Centurion that helped crucify Our Lord.  He is tasked with finding the missing body of Jesus.  He ends up with the Apostles.  They have been told to go to the Sea of Galilee were Jesus will meet them. While out on the boat with them fishing, a man appears walking on the beach.  Peter looks at the man quite intently and turns to the Centurion and says, "Sometimes, He is hard to recognize."

Grace helps us to not only recognize Jesus, but to act as He would have us act.  Let us hold our memories dear but also look forward to the future.  Let us keep ourselves every ready to accept God's Grace.

Lord,
you know how painful this waiting is for me.

You alone know the depths of my heart.
Help me to hold dear my memories, yet still
look forward to the future.

Help me to accept Your Grace.

~Cindy

Faith and Fear.

"Faith and Fear both demand that you believe in something that you can not see.  You choose." - Bob Proctor

When living on the sailboat I was fearful of the weather and the shore.  If given a choice I would choose open water over coming into harbor.  The harbor was filled with obstacles and shallow water.  Oh how I hated shallow water!

It seems to me that we are heading for shallow water.  In our fear we allow knee jerk responses to replace prayerful and thoughtful responses.  We condemn Colin Kaepernick because he, in peaceful protest, is taking a knee during the National Anthem.

Before Colin Kaepernick decided to take a knee I didn't know who he was or what he did or believed in.  Now he is front and center of a National debate.  It is easy to vilify Colin and claim that he is not patriotic.  Who is he, a millionaire football player, to shout discrimination?  From what I have read Colin is not talking about himself in this peaceful protest.  No, Colin is talking about groups of people that have been and are currently being discriminated against.

In my humble opinion we are being stirred up by hate and haters.  Social media and the politically  inclined among others stir the pot to divide us.  They want us to dislike and distrust each other.  If we live in a them and us world it is easier to to stand on opposite sides and toss garbage at each other. It is easier to be controlled.  We find ourselves in group think.

Several times on Facebook I have seen a post that states we need Jesus now.  I believe that what we really need is people willing to live and act like Jesus.  We can't just go to Mass on Sunday and think that we have our ticket punched.  No we must go out and be Jesus to everyone that we meet.  We must be merciful and forgiving.  I know those words are easy to write and easy to read.  It is much more difficult to live them.  I believe that we must try!

I do not know what Jesus would do.  However, based on His past behaviors I do not think that he would be condemning Colin.  Jesus wasn't much for condemning.  He asked questions and made thought provoking statements.

John 8:1-11New Living Translation (NLT)

A Woman Caught in Adultery

8 Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives, 2 but early the next morning he was back again at the Temple. A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them.3 As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd.

4 “Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery.5 The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”

6 They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. 7 They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!” 8 Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.

9 When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman.10 Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”

11 “No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

O Lord,
let the condemning stone fall from my hand.
Let me be a mirror of Your mercy and forgiveness.

Help me to choose Faith over Fear
Help me to show Mercy to others as You have shown me Mercy.

Curb my tongue...
~Cindy

We Have Turned Our Backs

Oh my God! Teach me to be generous; to give and not to count the cost; to fight and not to heed the wounds; to toil and not to seek for rest; to labor and not to seek for any reward save that of doing your blessed will.
-St. Ignatius of Loyola

The news and the condition of the world have me truly worried.  We collectively appear to be lost.  We have lost our moral compass and keep our heads firmly planted in the sand.

The story about the well with poisoned water that turned everyone mad except the King and his family keeps going through my head.  The people because they have drank from the well all go mad.  The King and his family do not as they have a private well.  However, the people want to get rid of the King because they no longer trust him.  In the end the King and his family drink from the poisoned well and the people love him again.  But now the King is as mad as his people.

Social media allows us to judge others... and judge we do.  From the parents whose child fell into the gorilla enclosure which resulted in a beast, magnificent tho he was, to be killed for the child's safety.  I wish that I could tell you that I never took my eyes off any of my children or that I never feared that one drowned because I lost track of them at the lake.  They were fine.  Just taking a nap.  I didn't know that.  I am sure if this was posted on Facebook there would be outrage and a police investigation as to my criminal responsibility for losing track of my child.  It happens in an instant.

Politically we are slinging mud at each other and the vitriol is some of the most vile I have seen.  We as a country complain, but we don't seem to want to do anything to change the situation.  We have the power, but that would mean taking responsibility and we are not very good at that most days.

We listen and take advice from people who have no qualifications other than they have a podcast and they seem to speak to the hole in us that desperately wants to be filled.

If only we could turn around we would see that the answer has been there all along.  God, yes, God is the answer.  If we could focus on Him and His teachings and truly trust Him and be obedient to Him, and do His will and not our own we would not have any problems.

Let us look to our commonalities and truly love each other.  It is difficult to sling mud at someone you love.  We must act according to our conscience and be willing to accept the consequences of our choices.  We must stand up not for ourselves, but for those that can not stand up for themselves.  We must exercise mercy. Yes, mercy even for those that we think are not worthy.

I shudder when I think how we pray by rote the words of the Our Father...forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us...

Lord, I stand before you
in need of your mercy.

I stand before you
in need of moral courage.

Help me see that my judging will
only lead to my own judgement.

~Cindy

The Year is Complete

Death is no more than falling blindly into the arms of God.
St. Maria Maravillas de Jesus

I almost can not comprehend that it has been a year today that Michael passed into eternity.  Some days it feels like mere minutes ago and some days it feels like eons have passed.

I have learned a lot about myself this past year.  I have encountered such kindness.  I have been disappointed by some and absolutely amazed by others.

This year I was drawn to purchase a Menorah.  As I researched how to correctly use it and celebrate Hanukkah I discovered that Hanukkah this year began on the day of Michael's Memorial Mass Celebration and will end on Christmas Eve.

First Night of Hanukkah

As I light the candles and pray the prayers I am comforted.  I have always found comfort in lights and  a lit candle in a window is a welcoming sign.  Hanukkah reminds us of God's miraculous love for us and His willingness to give us physical signs of His love and care for us.

When I am sad and missing Michael I know that it is more for me than for him.  I am happy that he is not suffering anymore.  More than anything I am grateful that Michael reconciled with the Church and God and was able to find peace.

I miss you Michael and am so very grateful for all my memories of  "our little life".

Lord, watch over me and those who loved Michael today.
Help us to remember the good.
Help us to remain grateful for all Your graces and comfort.

~Cindy

This seat RESERVED

If we are going to a fine dining restaurant we usually need a reservation.  We buy tickets in advance for concerts, ballgames, and other events.

At church usually we do not have a reserved seat, but if your church is like my church many of us, myself included have a seat that we consider ours.  We can get very upset if we find someone in "our seat".  Father reminds us that it is only a seat and we can sit anywhere.  Easy for him to say, he has a reserved seat.

If I think about it I do have a reserved seat.  When Jesus gave up his life for me He reserved my seat. He reserved seats not for the holy perfect ones, no He reserved seats for sinners!

These reserved seats are for the:
Liars, adulterers, misfits, prostitutes, tax collectors, the criminals, the hedgers, the ones that are lost.  These reserved seats are for the ones that feel unworthy, unloved, undervalued and the ones that are afraid.

These seats are for us.  So come and take your seat next to mine and let us find Peace.

Men go abroad to wonder at the height of mountains, at huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering.

St. Augustine

Lord, help me not to pass by and not wonder at the beauty of all your creation.
Help me to be a reflection on Your love and peace.
Help me to slide over so that another may sit down next to me.
Let us lift each other up.

~Cindy

Forgiveness

I have been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately.  Perhaps, because I was in need of forgiveness.  I knew I needed to go to Confession...but I was embarrassed about what I needed to confess.  I was trying to pray before Mass and I kept being interrupted by the prompting to...GO TO CONFESSION!

So I closed my prayer book and walked back and knocked on Father's door.  I confessed.  As I looked at his face I saw no condemnation or judgement, just Love and FORGIVENESS.  I saw Our Lord with all His Mercy being given to me.

Back in my pew I came to the realization that how could I be embarrassed to confess what God had already seen?  He had full knowledge of my sin.  He was only waiting for me to come and say that I was sorry.  Once I acknowledged my sin and asked for His forgiveness it was mine.

Often I think that we believe that God thinks like us and that His heart is like ours.  How wrong we are.  We can not even begin to comprehend the magnitude of His thoughts and His Heart, it is larger than anything that we can imagine.  That huge heart is full of Mercy...ours for the asking.

Lord,
Thank You for Your Mercy and Forgiveness.
Thank You for prompting me to remember 
that it is mine for the asking.

~Cindy

My One Year Blog Anniversary!

One year ago today I began this blog.  I was complaining about being in the desert.  I was so unsure about what God wanted from me.  In this one year He has begun to lift the veil and show me His plan.  I have not always agreed with His plan, but as we all know God has a way of bringing you around to His Way.

Today in St. Paul's letter to the Romans I could see the community being read St. Paul's words.  He was so full of passion and his words moved me.  I was and am especially moved by this passage:

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I wish that I could tell you that I have this confidence that St. Paul speaks of everyday, but, no I get sidetracked.  I become uncertain.  I am afraid.  Then ever so gently God speaks and calms my heart and mind.  I am reassured by His word.  Our Lord gives me His Mother for my mother.  She strengthens me daily.

Lord, I know not what you have in store for me this coming year.
I face it with full knowledge and confidence that You will be beside me.
You will be my strength and comfort.
You may test me, but You will give me the grace to endure the test.
And I shall Rejoice!

~Cindy

A Week Full of Mercy

I am always a little sad to see the month of May end.  I have fond memories of being a young girl in Parochial school.  I was so thrilled when I was chosen to place the crown on Mary's statue in the front of the classroom.  Now I crown my own statue in my own home.  But May is gone and June is here.

June is the month of devotion to the Sacred Heart.  I am blessed to have the Sacred Heart statue that belonged to my grandparents.  It stands by the front door and greets everyone who enters.

Even though we have moved devotional months it does not mean that it is time to put away our Rosaries.  My devotion to the Rosary only grows with each passing day.  It is my comfort, my weapon, my words when I have none.  It is the rope of salvation between Heaven and myself.

Saint Padre Pio when asked if there was a shortcut to Heaven, replied that it was through the Virgin Mary and the Rosary.  I like shortcuts!

















The week full of Mercy or some would say blessings. It seemed that the Holy Spirit was manifest on my lips and on the lips of many around me.  We were given the chance to witness to Eternal Life and the promise of redemption to a new widow. We continue to see the bond of Community grow in our Bible Study Group.

But for me the biggest Mercy/Blessing were the messages that I kept receiving all during the week.  One night when not only did night fall but my spirit was falling as well,  a spark of light in the darkness lifted me. It came not from the Bible but from a television program, Call the Midwife.  In the episode I was half paying attention to suddenly I was drawn to pay attention:  Sister Monica Jones was saying to one of the nurses who's mother had just passed, "Come to Chapel.  I often find succor there.  In Chapel the words are all aligned as in a rope for us to cling to."  That is how I feel about the Liturgy of the Hours and the Rosary.  When my words are muddled and unintelligible or I am so confused, it is there that the words are all aligned!

And today at Mass Father Joseph Thieu Huu Nguyen of the Diocese of Hai Phong in Viet Nam came to speak on behalf of their community.  He reminded us that during the reign of communism in North Viet Nam the people only had two Masses a YEAR!  I am so blessed to be able to go daily.

But again it was these words that he shared, "  If you go alone, you go fast; If you go together you go far." that made me think.

So Lord, here I am,
Not extremely patient and always wanting to go alone.  Yet, you have called me to go with others.  Together we will go far!

~Cindy

I Want a Plan

God, I want a plan.  I need a plan.  I am the girl who always knows what her next step is and where I am headed and what I want to do.  It feels wrong to just be sitting here in limbo yet again.

Then gently and slowly He pulls the scales from my eyes and says with such love, " Oh my daughter, I have a plan and it is unfolding just as it needs to.  Do not be in a hurry to move on, for there are lessons here for you to learn.  Haven't I given you fellowship?  Haven't I comforted you?  Haven't I given you time to pray and to ponder my love and mercy? Haven't I opened my Sacred Heart and let you lay there?  Haven't I come to you in the Holy Eucharist?  Haven't I sent my own mother to be your mother and comforter?  What more can you want?"

So this is the plan.  I am doing it.  I am moving forward.  I have everything that I need and more.

~Cindy

God, Me and a Skein of Yarn

The Lord truly works in mysterious ways.  He, via my favorite sister put a loom and a skein of yarn in my hand after Michael's death.

Here she said, this will give you something to do.  I needed something to do.  Something that did not require much thought.  Something to fill the hours that loomed before me.

It started out simply enough on Sundays.  I would go over for the afternoon and dinner and we would loom knit together.  My sister's sister-in-law joined us and soon my nieces joined in the looming also.  We found that we were really getting something out of this activity.  Joy!

Quickly an idea to make money by selling our wares turned into an Act of Mercy.  We decided as a group that we would donate all our hats.  Some may say that the Act of Mercy is for the recipients of the hats.  They would be wrong.  The Act of Mercy is for all of us loomers.

Our Lord took a simple skein of yarn and turned into an article of hope and mercy.  I can't begin to tell you how many prayers are said as I loom, knit or crochet.  The activity lends itself to prayer.  It is repetitive and that leads to meditation.  I pray for the recipient of the hat or shawl as the yarn moves through my fingers.  The hours go quickly and I once again realize just how loved and blessed I am.

Lord, you have once again shown me your mercy and grace in a simple act.  You have given me Joy!  Thank you Lord.

~Cindy

Trust, Abandonment, & Obedience

Trust, Abandonment, & Obedience...that is quite the mouthful!  Yet for a week it has been my meditation.  The Holy Spirit gave me these three directives while talking to my prayer partner.  We both struggle with trust.  We doubt ourselves and find that soon we can only see obstacles to what God wants for us and for what God wants us to do.

It has come to me that if I can trust God then I am able to abandon my will, desires, etc for His Will and His Desires.  It then follows that I will be Obedient.  Obedient to Him, who only asks that I TRUST IN HIM.

It sounds so simple and it is.  Little children trust their parents completely.  Children will love and trust an abusive parent.  So how is it that I who have a loving, caring Father in God have a hard time trusting.  Simply because I am a sinner and human.  Oh and I need a 2x4 to get the message.

God put me in the desert, not just figuratively but in reality.  It can be a dry lonesome place with prickly thorny plants and little water.  Yet, it is also filled with the solitude that I need to hear God.  It is full of plants that though prickly and thorny have blooms that take my breath away.  An there is enough water to sustain life.

God in His great mercy provides for me.  The other meditation He gave me is from Venerable Charles de Foucauld.
"One must cross the desert and live there to receive God's grace.  It is there that one can drive away from oneself everything that is not God."



Lord, help me to live in the desert with more peace so that I may drive away everything that is not God.

~Cindy

The Mercy of God

Our God is a merciful God.  Sometimes it is hard to remember that when He sends more trials and tribulations than you think you can handle or even deserve.

I know that I can't handle the trails that He has sent me.  But I do have faith that He is there with me every step of the way.  If I can learn to surrender my plan and be still, He will hold me up and wrap me in His arms.

Deserve.  That is an interesting word.  How foolish I am if I think that I do not deserve trails and tribulations.  If the Son of God could humble Himself and become man and be crucified than certainly I can take a small portion.

And then He shows me a small wonder.  A flower in bloom, the sun rising, the moon setting.  A small wonder, I think not.  Only daily reminders that He is here with us.  I know that I can not make a flower bloom, or the sun rise, or the moon set.  But I can acknowledge His Tender Mercies.

~Cindy

Cataracts, Pumpkin Bread and Prayer

It finally has cooled down enough that I can bake!  Yea!  There is something about baking that makes me feel good.  I always make too much, but then there is enough to share, which is always a good thing in my book.

Today's offering is Pumpkin Bread.  Simple, smells good and satisfying.

Today is also the day my Mom had surgery on her cataracts.  She will be good as new in a couple of days.  Able to see the world with new eyes.  No more putting her nose to the newspaper to read it.

Prayer starts my day.  I find that it centers me and helps me face whatever may happen.

Besides prayer what do pumpkin bread and cataracts have to do with my spiritual journey you may ask...well;

The Eucharist which I can now receive is much like pumpkin bread. Simple, and satisfying.  There it is the little white host, unleavened, holding the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ. It makes me feel good and connected to the entire body of Christ.  And there is always enough to share.  Jesus made it that way.  At the Last Supper he didn't just establish the Eucharist for the 12 Apostles.  He established it to include us.  He always has enough to share, be it the Eucharist, His mercy or His love.

Cataracts cloud our vision and make it difficult to make our way in the world.  Even with glasses cataracts blur and distort our vision.  After surgery individuals may need glasses or some other aid to see the world clearly.

Prayer helps us to see the world more clearly after the cataracts of our doubt and fears are removed. It is not enough to just have our doubts and fears removed.  We must continue to pray or wear our glasses.  For me the most perfect method of prayer is the Rosary.  It focuses me and binds me to the Blessed Mother, who in turn takes my hand and places it firmly in her Son's.

Prayer, Pruning and the Blessed Mother

Wow what a morning!

I was up before the dawn to take my daughter to work.  There it was the velvet sky with the moon shining brightly and a scattering of stars to dust the sky.  I was filled with wonder and couldn't wait to be able to get home and meditate under that sky.

I was not disappointed.  The celestial dance began with the moon beginning to set and fade and the sun rising and growing lighter and lighter.  I was reminded of a quote of Pope Francis:

" Jesus is the sun and Mary is the dawn announcing his rising."

As I watched in wonder my heart felt as though it would burst with love for my Beloved.  He had created this morning just for me.  It was His Gift to this little sinner sitting in the desert.  But he was not done with His Tender Mercies.  No He had so much more in store for me.

Opening my reading for the day on my Retreat to Consecration to the Blessed Mother the words of Mother Teresa broke my heart open!

"Our Lady's role is to bring you face to face...with the love in the Heart of Jesus Crucified."

Mother Teresa goes on to remind us the Our Blessed Mother is pleading with us to "listen to Jesus' thirst."

I continued to meditate while pruning the unruly shrubs.   They aren't shaped as I would like them.  I thought well I am not shaped as Jesus would like me to be either.  A clip here and a snip there.  I stopped to look again at the moon and then I saw the tool in my hand.  A pair of rusty pruners. My prayer life is like that rusty pair of pruners.  I know what I want, but instead of maintaining them so that them are efficient and useful, I have left them to rust in the dark corner of the shed.  Forgotten.

A prayer life can be like that, rusty, not efficient and left in a dark corner, forgotten.  But then you take it out and dust it off.  You clean off the rust and oil the hinge and immediately it is more efficient.  Now it is ready to shape your life.  To make it a worthy gift to give our Lord.

Wow what a morning!

~Cindy

Day Three of my Retreat

Wow!  It has been a busy week.  I have driven to Las Vegas twice on business and that was tiring.

A Gift for my morning

The prayer for today is:

Come, Holy Spirit, living in Mary.
 Give me the grace to reject Satan and follow Christ more closely.

Yes, please give me the grace to reject Satan in all his forms.  My sharp tongue and impatience.  My quick anger.  My doubt.

How it must hurt you that I can lay down my Rosary and immediately be so angry at some small slight.  I want to offer this little things up, but I keep failing.

I again ask for your mercy and your grace.  Without them I am lost.

Responsory

At daybreak be merciful to me.
Make known to me the path I must walk.
At daybreak be merciful to me.

This Responsory spoke to me today.

  Lord, I am not sure of the path that you want me to take.  If I can quiet my heart and listen,  I know that You will show me.

At daybreak be merciful to me.

I am Angry

There I said it.  I said it to my sister yesterday.  What am I angry about?  I am angry that my husband is dying and there is nothing that I can do.  I am angry that he seems lost and hurt that he can't do the things he wants to do.  I am angry that I have to pick up the slack.  I am angry that we don't have the time together that we thought we had.  The anger comes and goes.  Some days it is replaced with fear, or confusion, or grief.

I remember the day that we got the diagnosis of metastatic pancreatic cancer.  It was like being kicked in the gut.  This can't be real.  Some days even now I wake up and I think that it was all a bad dream.  But it isn't.  It is our reality.  I am not sure how to help him, so I pray.  I pray that he will have strength and peace.  I pray for myself, that God will keep my heart open to His love and that I will find meaning in this struggle. I pray to thank God for the time He has given us and continues to give to us.  I pray that each day I realize how blessed we are that we are alive and able to enjoy the day together.

Today as I was praying the Office a covey of quail came by and I remembered that He had His eye on them, so I know that He must have His eye on me.

Rachel of www.rachelwojo.com posted a prayer that spoke to me.  I will share it with you here:

a prayer for when you feel like giving up

Dear Jesus,

Sometimes the day can't pass quickly enough,

While others fly by at lighting speed.

I can't seem to keep up

With the pace of this world.

I'm tired Lord.

My heart is weary and my spirit is weak.

I'm trying my hardest

To take the next step

To keep trying

To move on.

But between me and you, Lord

I feel like giving up

Help me remember the reason I began

Help me see the purpose behind Your plan

Provide the necessary grace

Keep me set upon Your face

To find strength for that next step

To discover faith to keep trying

To pause for this moment

And then move on.

In Jesus name, Amen

~Cindy

Thoughts on the Confiteor

I am always humbled during the Confiteor.  The recitation reminds me of how humble I should be in the Presence of the Lord.

I confess to almighty God and to you my brothers and sisters,
(Boy am I relieved that I don't have to confess to each and everyone of you out loud.)

that I have greatly sinned, in my thoughts and in my words,
(my greatest sins: thoughts and words.  Lord you know the sharpness of my tongue and all of my thoughts...)

In what I have done and in what I have failed to do,
(sins of omission...these are the ones that trip me up.  I know what is expected, but...)

through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault,
( Yes, I am admitting my fault three times and still it doesn't always seem adequate.)

therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin, all the Angles and Saints, and you, my brothers and sisters to pray for me to the Lord our God.
( I am not only asking. I am begging, pray for me! I want the heavenly switchboard to be lit up!)

May almighty God have mercy on us,
( Please be merciful.)

forgive us our sins,
( I long for your forgiveness.)

and bring us to everlasting life.
(Everlasting life, it is the goal.)

During each and every Mass we all stand together and admit our sins.  We ask for prayer, and forgiveness. We hope for God's mercy and everlasting life.

I place my trust in you, Lord.

Cindy~