Be the Shamash Candle

The spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me; he has sent me to bring glad tidings to the poor, to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and release to the prisoners, to announce a year of a of favor from the Lord and a day of vindication by our God.  - Isaiah 61:1-2a





Gaudete Sunday finds me on the day before the fourth anniversary of Michael's death.

I am reminded as we put away our purple and wear our rose colored vestments that we should REJOICE!

Rejoicing has absolutely nothing to do with being happy.  It has everything to do with remembering from where our strength comes and how we face our trials and tribulations.  If, when we are at our lowest and find ourselves sitting in darkness we need only to look at the light...Hanukkah lights, Christmas lights, Advent wreath lights, and most importantly the Light of Christ.

Christ fills the darkness so completely that it can knock us to our knees.  It can be the flicker in the distance that helps us continue to put one foot in front of the other.  It is the light that dispels the shadows and signifies hope.

Rabbi David Wolf reminds us that the Shamash is the candle that lights the others.  We should each be the Shamash Candle, not only during this season, but every day of our lives.

Lord,
I ask that you help me be the Shamash Candle.
Help me to dispel the darkness.

Help me to REJOICE!

~Cindy

Happy Easter

He is Risen!

It is in the risen Lord that I place my trust.  How can my heart be troubled?  

Father reminded us today that each Mass is a little Easter, all leading up to this the great Easter!  Let us not get lost in the Easter Bunny, the eggs, and candy.  Let us turn our attention to the Risen Lord.

Lord,

I stand before you in hope.

Hope that one day I will join

All who have gone before me

And all who will come after me,

Praising You in Heaven

~Cindy

Desiderata

Our labor here is brief, but the reward is eternal.  Do not be disturbed by the clamor of the world, which passes like a shadow. Do not let the false delights of a deceptive world deceive you.
-St. Clare of Assisi


I have been missing Michael a lot this week.  I have been weepy.  I have also felt him so close during Mass.  One time I could feel his hand on my shoulder.  He was sitting on my right.  I could sense him there at the Consecration.  How right that he should be there when all three parts of the Church are together; the Church Triumphant, the Church Militant and the Church Suffering.

I have been restless and wanting out of my skin, but no luck,  I am firmly in it.

Then today at Mass Father reminded my of a poster that I had on my wall as a teenager.  The Desiderata written in 1927 somehow managed to speak to me then as I was trying to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be.  The words today are as fresh and timely as when they were written.  Now they speak to an older and hopefully wiser me.

I find them calming in this time of missing Michael and finding my new single self.  I share it with you for it is worth sharing:

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. 
© Max Ehrmann 1927

~Cindy

Merry Christmas

One must see God in everyone.
St. Catherine Laboure'



Christmas has been different this year.  I have struggled to get into the spirit and yet I have been drawn nearer to the true meaning.

My decorations were few but meaningful.  I was waiting for my family to gather and they have, but there is still a quiet longing to see Michael sitting in his recliner enjoying the festivities.  I know that I will miss him every day and especially on holidays tho' that does not make it easier.

I have waited expectantly for the season and now the day has come when the earth stands still and hopes that there will be peace on earth, good will toward men.  It starts with me.



Lord,
I stand before the manger and there You are.  An innocent baby.
Yet all our hopes are laid at your feet.
Help us to take a moment today to stand silent.
To be at peace.  To be filled with wonder.

~Cindy

HOPE

I have always believed that without Hope we are a pretty sorry lot.  This past 10 months has had me filled with hope that everyone was right, "It will get better."

It does get better.  The pain and loss do not go away, but with HOPE you begin to see a new future.  It is similar to watching the dawn break.   The sun takes it's time teasing us about what is to come.  Some mornings are muted and some stop you in your tracks.

Because of HOPE, I am beginning to see a new future.  One that is full of promise and adventure. One that will make my heart sing once again.

Because of HOPE, I purchased a new-to-me Motor Home.  My plan is to go to the places that Michael and I had on our list.  Plus I know that I will add a few destinations that are mine and mine alone.

Fr. Charlie Blessing the RV

It was difficult to sit across that desk from the salesperson without Michael there.  He was the negotiator as I do NOT have a good poker face, especially when I want something.

But Michael is here.  I can hear him, I can see him shaking his head, and I can feel his love.  So I will do as he asked and live my life.

My HOPE will continue to push me forward, even on the days when I have doubts and feel unsure.

I see God most in the wonders of nature.  Where He shines and there is little to distract me.  I am ready Lord to Trust that You do have a plan just for me.  Something that You have created just for me.



Hope, O my soul, hope.  You know neither the day not the hour.  Watch carefully, for everything passes quickly, even though your impatience makes doubtful what is certain, and turns a very short time into a long one.
St. Teresa of Avila

Lord, you know how impatient I can be,
Help me Lord to not get in a snit when I am lost or confused.
Help me Lord to see you in all things and in everyone I meet.
Help me Lord to be a clear reflection of You.
Help me Lord to never lose Hope...
~Cindy

I was Reminded...

I must admit that the trip to Texas really took the stuffing out of me.  I am having trouble getting my legs under me.  I feel empty and parched.

Parched like someone lost in the desert with no oasis in sight!

My only consolation is the Eucharist.  I find myself tearing up and part of me wants to let go and just cry myself out.  But I am afraid.  Afraid that if I start I won't be able to stop.

My prayers are rote and empty.  They are just words that I mouth and bring me no comfort.  All I have is my emptiness to offer.

I was reminded today at Mass that many Saints had fellow Saints that helped them.  They encouraged each other.  They prayed for each other.

  Today we remember Saint Cornelius and Saint Cyprian.  Both priests and Bishops.  Both martyrs.
They knew they were going to be martyred and they held each other up.

I am NO saint.  However, I too have people who lift me up.  My Prayer Partner, my Family, my Parrish, my Priest and my Deacon.  I do not know what I would do without them and their prayers.

Lord, I am so empty...
I fear that I will never know
Your Mercy again.
I stand before you with nothing
to give to you.
I yearn for your comfort.
I yearn for some small measure of mercy.

  
                                                                                  ~Cindy
Please remember me in your prayers.

A Tangle of Threads

Wow, what a week it has been.  I have been up and I have been down.  Feeling a little discombobulated, yet sure that I am on the right path.  I pick up one thread and put it down only to pick up another and then return to the original choice.

I seemed to have trouble calming my mind to listen.  Then I read from the second Letter of Saint Paul to the Corinthians:

Brothers and sisters:
We hold this treasure in earthen vessels,
that the surpassing power may be of God and not from us.
We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained;
perplexed, but not driven to despair;
persecuted, but not abandoned;
struck down, but not destroyed;
always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus,
so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our body.

The message for me is there is always hope!  If I can truly carry the body of the dying Jesus in me then I will have the life of Jesus in me!  I will be as the people in the psalm, " Those who sow in tears shall reap rejoicing."

Rejoicing.  It is a word and an emotion that I fear we use little these days.  It is often difficult to see in our pain and sorrow that the God that loves us is there with us.  Our struggle is to use the pain and sorrow to be drawn closer to Him.  Joy and sorrow are both gifts, yes gifts that God gives us so that we may lay our head near His Heart and listen to the sound of Him in our Souls.

I have two bowls of yarn by my chair where not only do I create, but I hear God talk to me in the silence of my crocheting.

 One bowl is full to overflowing with bits and pieces of completed works.  Too small to be of much use, but you never know.  Even when living on our boat I was hard pressed to throw away any bit of rope or twine. 

The other bowl is piled with bigger left overs.  They seem to have more potential.  They are wound neatly enticing me to use them.  Yet, more often than not I find myself reaching into the small bowl of bits and pieces to mark my place, to consider a color combination.

I think that God is similar to those two bowls.  He helps us wind up the ends of threads, but He often picks from that small bowl of tiny bits to help us weave our lives into the creation that He wants us to be.

Lord,
Help me to remember that even when perplexed,
I will not be driven to despair;
When persecuted,
I will not be abandoned;
If struck down,
I will not be destroyed;
Lord, I am only an empty vessel,
waiting to be filled...

~Cindy

Re-weaving my LIfe.

Since Michael's passing I have felt like someone pulled a loose thread on a tapestry or a loose piece of yarn from some crocheted afghan and I began to unravel. I was a mess.  But slowly I began to rewind my mess and put it in a neat ball so that I could once again begin to weave my life.

 For awhile I was content to lay on the floor in in puddle of emotion and have no purpose.  I cried all the time and my compass no longer pointed North.  It just spun around looking for North or a destination.

Little did I know that I was in my destination.  Though still on a journey, I am where I am suppose to be.  I cry less these days, tho in a moment I can feel the tears well-up when I think of Michael.  But I smile now more when I think of him and remember our time together.

I survived my first Mother's Day without him. I still have the four month anniversary of his death on the 18th of May and the 23rd of May will be the one year anniversary of his diagnosis.

I can't believe that the days are flying by so fast and each one moves me farther away.  Time might move me farther away, but it can not move him from my heart and mind.  He is with me.  He will always be with me.

Our Lord promised that He would be with us always.  He promised us Eternal Life.  In these past months I have felt the Lord moving in my life in ways I never imagined.  He has showered me with blessings.

Lord,
I thank you for your many and wondrous blessings that you shower on me daily.  I look forward to the resurrection of the dead and life eternal with you. I know that I have much to do.  Let us pick up our thread and begin to re-weave my life.

~Cindy

Dreams

Dreaming has always been a healing for me.  I figure out answers to problems and concerns while I sleep.  Since Michael's death I haven't been dreaming.  Or if I am I do not remember them.  Instead I feel like I am in total darkness, nothingness.  I awake exhausted and long for the nights filled with dreams.

Many times in the Bible God used dreams to help people know what to do.  He warned Joseph that it was okay to  take Mary as his spouse.  He warned Joseph to take Mary and the child into Egypt for safety.  He warned the Magi not to go back and tell Herod were they had found the child.

I finally dreamed three weeks almost to the day of the anniversary of Michael's death.  There he was talking to me.  He had a lot to say, but I can't remember any of the words.  I just know that he was there healthy and hearty talking to me.  When I awoke I was comforted.

This morning I feel lost and alone.  I am like a blank chalk board waiting to be written on.

He found them in a wilderness,
a wasteland of howling desert.
He shielded them and cared for them,
guarding them as the apple of his eye.

Deuteronomy 32:10

~Cindy