And my Knee HURTS

Many would be willing to have afflictions provided that they not be inconvenienced by them.
-St. Francis de Sales


I am feeling like a little whiney baby complaining about my knee pain.  It hurts.  It has been hurting for a long time now.  It is exhausting somedays just to sit.  So I finally got into see the Orthopedic Doctor the other day.  I wanted the doctor to tell me that I was going to get a new knee.

Instead I was told that we would be trying cortisone injections.  Not that my knee is not a candidate for surgery, it is. We need to try this first.  So I got the injection.  Then I hobbled out to the car and laid my head on the steering wheel and sobbed.

What just happened?  I did not get the outcome that I thought I was going to get.  Instead I was told I needed to do this other thing first.  No the injections will not cure what is wrong with my knee.  In fact, if and when the injections do not work then yes, I will get a new knee.  I believe the words he used were,  "The golden age for knees is 65."  Small comfort when you can't walk to do your grocery shopping, or pick up you mail, or drive!

I am a couple of days away from the trauma of the visit and I have a different take on things.  No, I still am not really satisfied, however, I was reminded that even a new knee is not a guarantee that I will be pain free.  I am not looking to be pain free.  I just want to be able to function.

Then Matthew Kelly reminded me in his video on Making Sense of Suffering that only our Catholic/Christian faith adequately explains suffering.  Suffering has value.  Suffering has value when we offer it up with Jesus' suffering where it will be perfected.  Not sure that I was willing to offer up my suffering initially. Still struggling actually.

 I know that I am never going to feel the way I did before.  I am going to be inconvenienced.  I am going to be in pain.  It is what I do with that pain that is important.

O Lord,
my knee hurts,
I want to offer it up with Your suffering.

Help me to see this as an opportunity to
join You in Your suffering.

Remind me to look at You on the cross
and be silent.

~Cindy

Suffering

For one pain endured with joy, we shall love the good God more forever."
~St. Therese of Lisieux


There has been so much suffering in the world from the beginning of the world.  Recently we have the terrorists that bomb cities and shoot people and try to cripple us.  Everyday there is some family who is struck by tragedy.

I have been following a country music couple that I had never heard of before. The wife was diagnosed with cancer and has enter Hospice Care.  They have a 20 month old baby.  Much is being written about her valiant struggle and their hope that there will be others who can learn from her suffering.  As Joey moves into Hospice Care they are still hoping for a miracle.

A miracle.  We all hope for a miracle.  The miracle that we hope for is one based on our own wants, needs, and desires.  We struggle mightily to see the wisdom of God's Will.  Yet, it is how we face our suffering that makes all the difference in the world.

If we can abandon ourselves to enduring suffering with Joy then we have not suffered in vain.  Just today I spoke with my Prayer Partner and she reminded me that another friend is facing the first year anniversary of her partners death.  She is dreading the anniversary and doesn't know what to do.

My Prayer Partner recently lost a good friend and is struggling with the loss.  It seems so unnecessary that her friend died.  We wonder if things could have been done differently and then perhaps a different outcome.  God has a way of doing things in His own Time and in His own Way.  We struggle and He answers that He knows best and we may not be able to see the wisdom of His Way.

Jesus suffered so much in the Garden of Gethsemane that He sweated blood.  He asked His Father to take the cup, but in the end He accepted His Father's Will and drank the cup to the bitter dregs.

Miracles come in God's Way, not ours.

Lord,
how painful it must be to see your world in such distress.
Help us to look past our fear and respond with Joy to our suffering and loss.

Help us to not let our fear make us stumble on the path to faith and acceptance.
Help us to embrace the Year of Mercy that is approaching with an open heart and mind.

~Cindy

Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged

I saw this photo on Pinterest the other day.  It has been on my mind ever since.

Confession

It was titled, "This is Confession."  It is from the time that Mel Gibson was filming the movie "The Passion."

At first my eye was drawn to the actor portraying the Christ and I was touched.  It reminded me that Christ did suffer and die for me and when I sin I pick up the whip and hurt Him yet once more.

Secondly, I noticed that Mel was wearing his Brown Scapular.  That is a good thing in my mind.

Then it happened.  I noticed that it was Mel Gibson who has been in the news for anti Semitic rants, public drunkenness, adultery, etc.  The fact that Mel was sitting there bothered me.  So I decided that I would photo shop Mel out of the picture.  Not being very skilled at that, I was not successful.

Here is that 2X4 that I sometimes need to get the message.  Here is what I share with Mel Gibson.  I too have committed the sins of public drunkenness and adultery.  There are many more sins, but these two I  share with Mel.  I also share the Brown Scapular and my need for Confession.

It is not my place to judge Mel.  His sins are between him and God.  I do not know Mel Gibson's heart nor the condition of his soul.  My place is to take care of mine.  My place is to pray for my fellow sinner.

I confess to you my brothers and sisters....

~Cindy

I am Angry

There I said it.  I said it to my sister yesterday.  What am I angry about?  I am angry that my husband is dying and there is nothing that I can do.  I am angry that he seems lost and hurt that he can't do the things he wants to do.  I am angry that I have to pick up the slack.  I am angry that we don't have the time together that we thought we had.  The anger comes and goes.  Some days it is replaced with fear, or confusion, or grief.

I remember the day that we got the diagnosis of metastatic pancreatic cancer.  It was like being kicked in the gut.  This can't be real.  Some days even now I wake up and I think that it was all a bad dream.  But it isn't.  It is our reality.  I am not sure how to help him, so I pray.  I pray that he will have strength and peace.  I pray for myself, that God will keep my heart open to His love and that I will find meaning in this struggle. I pray to thank God for the time He has given us and continues to give to us.  I pray that each day I realize how blessed we are that we are alive and able to enjoy the day together.

Today as I was praying the Office a covey of quail came by and I remembered that He had His eye on them, so I know that He must have His eye on me.

Rachel of www.rachelwojo.com posted a prayer that spoke to me.  I will share it with you here:

a prayer for when you feel like giving up

Dear Jesus,

Sometimes the day can't pass quickly enough,

While others fly by at lighting speed.

I can't seem to keep up

With the pace of this world.

I'm tired Lord.

My heart is weary and my spirit is weak.

I'm trying my hardest

To take the next step

To keep trying

To move on.

But between me and you, Lord

I feel like giving up

Help me remember the reason I began

Help me see the purpose behind Your plan

Provide the necessary grace

Keep me set upon Your face

To find strength for that next step

To discover faith to keep trying

To pause for this moment

And then move on.

In Jesus name, Amen

~Cindy

Instant Happiness

There it was at the checkout line in Wal-Mart hanging among the cards for iTunes, AT&T, Cheese Cake Factory...Instant Happiness for only $25.00

I grabbed it thinking this is just what I need...happiness and instant no less.  Much to my chagrin it was for the Chipotle Restaurant.

So many times we want life to be easy.  Easy is good we think, but God has different plans.  He knows that we need struggle in our lives.  It seems that we grow most during the times of struggle.

When God had Moses leading the Israelites out in the desert he fed them with manna, provided water and the 10 Commandments.  And still they grumbled and whined and complained and then threw a party worshiping another god.  They were looking for Instant Happiness.

Every morning I pray the Divine Office.  The morning pray starts out:

God, come to my assistance.
-Lord, make haste to help me.

Yes, Lord make haste to help me for I am not doing such a good job lately.  I am angry, tired, frustrated, stuck, hurting and longing for some happiness.

So these are my intentions for the day:

Soften my sharp tongue for it cuts deep.
Lord, make haste to help me.

Help me to be patient.
Lord, make haste to help me.

Help me to offer up my small suffering, for yours was greater by far.
Lord, make haste to help me.

Help me to realize that I am not stuck, only standing in front of you, Lord waiting.
Lord, make haste to help me.

Help me to see that happiness is in me waiting for me to open the door.
Lord, make haste to help me. 

~Cindy