Time

When I was in High School my science teacher had a sign under the wall clock.  It read: TIME WILL PASS, WILL YOU?

I can not begin to tell you how many times when I was looking to see if class was over that the only thing I could see was that sign.  The phrase has stayed with me all these years.  I think of it when I am anxious for some event to happen or when I feel like time is standing still. " It is all about perspective" to quote Fr. Charlie.

Now I live in Arizona on the border of Nevada.  Nevada honors daylight savings time and we do not. So time can be confusing.  I travel twenty minutes to church but the clock shows that I either gain or lose an hour in those twenty minutes depending on which way I am traveling.  I keep a clock set to Nevada time in my house.  It makes it easier for me, except when I look at it and think that is Arizona  time.

My prayer partner lives in a different time zone all together and every year, twice a year we do the dance when the time change occurs.  We never can get it right.  We are math challenged anyway.  We have depended on our respective spouses to tell us when we should be praying in our time zones.  They have tried to explain it to us, but we only want the answer.  We do not want to see their work.  The first couple of days we are still getting organized and every time we pray early or late and apologize to each other.  By then end of the first week we are back on course and all new alarms are in working order.  Now, of course, you can use your smartphone to tell you what time it is anywhere in the world.  Not that that has helped either of us!

Sometimes I become confused about what time zone I live in.  Sometimes I become confused about which world I live in.  I forget that I am only here for a little while and that my true home is heaven.  I should not concern myself with manmade things.  My focus should be on God.  But like the time change and living on the border I do not always look at the right clock.

I spend my time being concerned about the conversations swirling around me before Mass.  My focus is gone.  I am more concerned with the speck in another's eye than the plank in mine.  I spend time in laziness and procrastination.

God tells us that we know not the hour or the day and that death will come like a thief in the night.  That is the only time we should be concerned about.  Have I used my time and talents wisely?  Will I be able to give a good accounting?

I think of how Michael and I spent our last months together.  We knew that his time was coming to an end on this earth and we were trying our hardest to make the most of it.  I believe that when I am asked to give an accounting of my time, that those months are at the top of my list of time that I am most proud.  It was not squandered.  I did not procrastinate.  I held every moment dear.

Lord,
So many times in the past I have squander time.
I have forgotten that time is a gift.
Help me to spend my time as you would have me spend it.
Help me to use my time to become the person that you want me to be.
Yes Lord,
Time will pass, 
Help me to pass also.

~Cindy

Duck! There's a Plank in My Eye!!

There were so many distractions at Mass this morning.  Stage whisper conversations that were about gambling, winning and losing, health, grandchildren, and some that were just like a hive a of bees buzzing around my head.

I was trying to keep focused on my prayers and use the distractions as an offering up to Our Lord.  I have noticed though that conversations that I am not involved in are Distractions!  Conversations that I am involved in are Important!

So there I was in my pew trying to keep my head down and my thoughts focused and then...Father read the gospel and gave his sermon.  Yikes! can he read minds?

The parables of the wheat field that the enemy sowed weeds in and the servants that wanted to pull the weeds out, but no the owner said leave them.  The owner said, "I will have the harvesters sort it out in the end and they will gather the weeds and burn them and we will have wheat for bread."

Father reminded me that I am not the Judge.  I am the seed.  My job is to grow into the finest wheat that I can be...God's job is to judge at the end.  He has that covered.  God does NOT need me to judge and think that I know which is wheat and which is weed. I need to stop trying to do God's job.  I might as well, I am not very good at it.




In case you are wondering Father was not just talking to me, I am sure that he was addressing the entire congregation.  Though I think he did try and catch my eye!

Lord, here I am
a small bit of wheat blowing in the wind.
I go this way and that,
concerned about things that you have covered.

Help me to see that I am the seed.
A seed that has one job.
A seed that is trying to grow into the finest wheat.

~Cindy

God, Me and a Skein of Yarn

The Lord truly works in mysterious ways.  He, via my favorite sister put a loom and a skein of yarn in my hand after Michael's death.

Here she said, this will give you something to do.  I needed something to do.  Something that did not require much thought.  Something to fill the hours that loomed before me.

It started out simply enough on Sundays.  I would go over for the afternoon and dinner and we would loom knit together.  My sister's sister-in-law joined us and soon my nieces joined in the looming also.  We found that we were really getting something out of this activity.  Joy!

Quickly an idea to make money by selling our wares turned into an Act of Mercy.  We decided as a group that we would donate all our hats.  Some may say that the Act of Mercy is for the recipients of the hats.  They would be wrong.  The Act of Mercy is for all of us loomers.

Our Lord took a simple skein of yarn and turned into an article of hope and mercy.  I can't begin to tell you how many prayers are said as I loom, knit or crochet.  The activity lends itself to prayer.  It is repetitive and that leads to meditation.  I pray for the recipient of the hat or shawl as the yarn moves through my fingers.  The hours go quickly and I once again realize just how loved and blessed I am.

Lord, you have once again shown me your mercy and grace in a simple act.  You have given me Joy!  Thank you Lord.

~Cindy

Amish Insight

Well, being a little under the weather caused me to watch some TV yesterday.  I watched a documentary on the Amish.  Here is what I took away from it.

They believe as I do that we are just passing through this world.  They view the world as a place that attempts to draw them away from God.  If an activity or a device draws them away from God then they do not use it or engage in the activity.

It is interesting that I am noticing that I am drawn away from God by my electronics. Yes, my prayers and Divine Office are on there, but it is too easy to spend the day tapping and playing games. When was the last time that I stopped and thanked God for my day?

I listened to an Amish woman, who said that everything that she did during the day was a prayer to God.  She started the day in prayer with her family.  I too begin my day in prayer and offer my day to God.

This is what touched me and I have been meditating on it.  She said, " If I offer my day to God then even if I am washing dishes standing at the sink, my SOUL is KNEELING before God."

I love the image of my soul kneeling before God.  That is what it should be doing. No matter what happens today, no matter what obstacles my be in my way, no matter how I feel....my soul is kneeling before God.

~Cindy

My Grandparents came this morning

I am still riding on the high of being able to receive Holy Communion.  It is like a cloak that has settled on me.  It makes me warm and feel safe all at the same time.

This morning as I was praying the Rosary what I at first thought was a distraction turned in to such Grace!

I was just beginning the 3rd Glorious Mystery when the thought of my grandparents drifted across my mind.  Then this ache started in my heart and spread throughout my chest and then there was a warmness and tears began to fill my eyes and then I could smell them both.  Helen and John were there with me.  I still am tearing up when I think of them.

They had such faith.  My grandpa was gone much to soon from my physical life, but he has always been a guide for me.  Someone that I turn to when in trouble.  He has always comforted me.  Grandma, what can I say?  You who quietly professed your faith.  You went to daily Mass and yes you took me with you even when I was not so excited about going.  But you just kept on with praying your Rosary, attending daily Mass and being a witness to the grace of God.

So what I thought was a distraction turn into another Tender Mercy from my Beloved!

~Cindy

The Summons

In today's Gospel we are called to leave everything and become a disciple of Christ.  As the Homily reminded me, being a Disciple of Christ is not an ala carte affair.  We must accept all his teaching.  We must leave our families and our possessions and even our own lives.  This is not an easy thing.  Jesus did not tell us it would be easy.  We are reminded that without the Cross there is no Crown!

Called to embrace our enemies.  Called to forgiveness. Called to love the unlovable.  We are called to be Christ in the world.

Because my words seem inadequate to my own ears I will borrow from John L. Bell.

The Summons

Will you come and follow me,

 If I but call your name?

Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?

Will you let my love be shown, 

Will you let my name be known,

Will you let my life be grown 

In you and you in me?

Will you leave yourself behind,

If I but call your name?

Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?

Will you risk the hostile stare

Should your life attract or scare?

Will you let me answer prayer 

In you and you in me?

Will you let the blinded see,

If I but call your name?

Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?

Will you kiss the leper clean,

And do such as this unseen,

And admit to what I mean 

In you and you in me?

Will you love the "you" you hide,

If I but call your name?

Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?

Will you use the faith you've found

To reshape the world around,

Through my sight and touch and sound

In you and you in me?

Lord, your summons echoes true

When you but call my name.

Let me turn and follow you

And never be the same.

In your company I'll go

Where your love and footsteps show.

Thus I'll move and live and grow

In you and you in me.

~Cindy

Rocks...

I have been building a prayer garden in my yard. 

Because I live in the desert it involves a lot of rock.  Big rocks, little rocks, and rocks of different colors.  I find myself looking at rocks on the side of the road and longing for them.  I really want the boulders, but my back isn't strong enough to pick them up.  I love the sunburned rocks that you see here in Arizona.  They are two toned, pale cream on one side and black on the side that the sun hits all day long.  Yes, I have stopped and taken a few specimens from the roadside.

As I was placing gravel the other day I was struck by the differences.  At first glance it all looks gray and boring then you will see one that looks polished or a red one or one that is cut open and has color inside of the boring gray.  Some are smooth and some are rough.  Some are dull and some sparkle when the sun hits them just right.

I think that we are like rocks.  So many times we get caught up in what we see on the outside and we make judgements.  I am like that, I see rough edges and make assumptions.  I don't like that part of me much, but it is who I am.

But what if we were geodes?

 On first glance they are not attractive.  Bumpy without much color lying there on the ground among the other rocks.  Then the magic happens...you cut them open to look inside and they are full of color.  They can be purple, blue, yellow, etc.  They are full quartz crystals.   They are transformed when cut open.

Our souls I think can be like geodes.  So many times they do not look like anything special to the naked eye, but in the hands of the artists they are transformed into shining crystals.  God is the artist of our souls.  It is He who cuts open our souls and transforms us from the boring gray rock that many would pass by.  He is able to see inside.  Our task is to open ourselves so that others can see what Our Lord sees.

~Cindy

Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged

I saw this photo on Pinterest the other day.  It has been on my mind ever since.

Confession

It was titled, "This is Confession."  It is from the time that Mel Gibson was filming the movie "The Passion."

At first my eye was drawn to the actor portraying the Christ and I was touched.  It reminded me that Christ did suffer and die for me and when I sin I pick up the whip and hurt Him yet once more.

Secondly, I noticed that Mel was wearing his Brown Scapular.  That is a good thing in my mind.

Then it happened.  I noticed that it was Mel Gibson who has been in the news for anti Semitic rants, public drunkenness, adultery, etc.  The fact that Mel was sitting there bothered me.  So I decided that I would photo shop Mel out of the picture.  Not being very skilled at that, I was not successful.

Here is that 2X4 that I sometimes need to get the message.  Here is what I share with Mel Gibson.  I too have committed the sins of public drunkenness and adultery.  There are many more sins, but these two I  share with Mel.  I also share the Brown Scapular and my need for Confession.

It is not my place to judge Mel.  His sins are between him and God.  I do not know Mel Gibson's heart nor the condition of his soul.  My place is to take care of mine.  My place is to pray for my fellow sinner.

I confess to you my brothers and sisters....

~Cindy

A Miracle a Day

Psalm 102

O Lord, listen to my prayer and let my cry for help reach you.
Do not hide your face from me
in the day of my distress.
Turn your ear towards me
and answer me quickly when I call.

For my days are vanishing like smoke,
my bones burn away like a fire.
My heart is withered like grass.
I forget to eat my bread.
I cry with all my strength
and my skin clings to my bones.

I have become like a pelican in the 
wilderness,
like an owl in desolate places.
I lie awake and I moan
like some lonely bird on a roof.
All day long my foes revile me;
those who hate me use my name as a curse.

The bread I eat is ashes;
my drink is mingled with tears.
In your anger, Lord, and your fury
you have lifted me up and thrown me 
down.
My days are like a passing shadow 
and I wither away like the grass.

And then His Face shone upon me...He gave me a new grand daughter.  A baby always seems like a promise of the future to me.  Thank you Lord, for her safe delivery.

And then His Face shone upon me...He gave us good results on my husbands chemo.

And then His Face shone upon me...The primary results from the Tribunal look positive.

Thank you for your tender mercies....

Cindy~

I am Angry

There I said it.  I said it to my sister yesterday.  What am I angry about?  I am angry that my husband is dying and there is nothing that I can do.  I am angry that he seems lost and hurt that he can't do the things he wants to do.  I am angry that I have to pick up the slack.  I am angry that we don't have the time together that we thought we had.  The anger comes and goes.  Some days it is replaced with fear, or confusion, or grief.

I remember the day that we got the diagnosis of metastatic pancreatic cancer.  It was like being kicked in the gut.  This can't be real.  Some days even now I wake up and I think that it was all a bad dream.  But it isn't.  It is our reality.  I am not sure how to help him, so I pray.  I pray that he will have strength and peace.  I pray for myself, that God will keep my heart open to His love and that I will find meaning in this struggle. I pray to thank God for the time He has given us and continues to give to us.  I pray that each day I realize how blessed we are that we are alive and able to enjoy the day together.

Today as I was praying the Office a covey of quail came by and I remembered that He had His eye on them, so I know that He must have His eye on me.

Rachel of www.rachelwojo.com posted a prayer that spoke to me.  I will share it with you here:

a prayer for when you feel like giving up

Dear Jesus,

Sometimes the day can't pass quickly enough,

While others fly by at lighting speed.

I can't seem to keep up

With the pace of this world.

I'm tired Lord.

My heart is weary and my spirit is weak.

I'm trying my hardest

To take the next step

To keep trying

To move on.

But between me and you, Lord

I feel like giving up

Help me remember the reason I began

Help me see the purpose behind Your plan

Provide the necessary grace

Keep me set upon Your face

To find strength for that next step

To discover faith to keep trying

To pause for this moment

And then move on.

In Jesus name, Amen

~Cindy

Thoughts on the Confiteor

I am always humbled during the Confiteor.  The recitation reminds me of how humble I should be in the Presence of the Lord.

I confess to almighty God and to you my brothers and sisters,
(Boy am I relieved that I don't have to confess to each and everyone of you out loud.)

that I have greatly sinned, in my thoughts and in my words,
(my greatest sins: thoughts and words.  Lord you know the sharpness of my tongue and all of my thoughts...)

In what I have done and in what I have failed to do,
(sins of omission...these are the ones that trip me up.  I know what is expected, but...)

through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault,
( Yes, I am admitting my fault three times and still it doesn't always seem adequate.)

therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin, all the Angles and Saints, and you, my brothers and sisters to pray for me to the Lord our God.
( I am not only asking. I am begging, pray for me! I want the heavenly switchboard to be lit up!)

May almighty God have mercy on us,
( Please be merciful.)

forgive us our sins,
( I long for your forgiveness.)

and bring us to everlasting life.
(Everlasting life, it is the goal.)

During each and every Mass we all stand together and admit our sins.  We ask for prayer, and forgiveness. We hope for God's mercy and everlasting life.

I place my trust in you, Lord.

Cindy~

Instant Happiness

There it was at the checkout line in Wal-Mart hanging among the cards for iTunes, AT&T, Cheese Cake Factory...Instant Happiness for only $25.00

I grabbed it thinking this is just what I need...happiness and instant no less.  Much to my chagrin it was for the Chipotle Restaurant.

So many times we want life to be easy.  Easy is good we think, but God has different plans.  He knows that we need struggle in our lives.  It seems that we grow most during the times of struggle.

When God had Moses leading the Israelites out in the desert he fed them with manna, provided water and the 10 Commandments.  And still they grumbled and whined and complained and then threw a party worshiping another god.  They were looking for Instant Happiness.

Every morning I pray the Divine Office.  The morning pray starts out:

God, come to my assistance.
-Lord, make haste to help me.

Yes, Lord make haste to help me for I am not doing such a good job lately.  I am angry, tired, frustrated, stuck, hurting and longing for some happiness.

So these are my intentions for the day:

Soften my sharp tongue for it cuts deep.
Lord, make haste to help me.

Help me to be patient.
Lord, make haste to help me.

Help me to offer up my small suffering, for yours was greater by far.
Lord, make haste to help me.

Help me to realize that I am not stuck, only standing in front of you, Lord waiting.
Lord, make haste to help me.

Help me to see that happiness is in me waiting for me to open the door.
Lord, make haste to help me. 

~Cindy