Two Months

Today is the two month anniversary of Michael's death.  I find that I am in a void.  I am going through the motions of doing things.  Yes, I have things that make me smile and I laugh out loud and find Joy in each day...yet there is an emptiness.

So many offer to have me call and talk or go to lunch and talk, but I don't really want to talk.  It is still too private and sacred.  Truth be told right now it doesn't really help.  I am more than the crying jags that sneak up on me or the overwhelming loneliness that is my companion.

So God in his infinite Mercy led me to pick up the Word Among Us.  Filled with articles and meditations today it spoke to me.

Safe in Joseph's Arms, reminded me that he is the Patron Saint of Departing Souls..  I am sure that he was in the room as Michael left us.  Here is a prayer to St. Joseph:

Oh, St. Joseph, I never weary of contemplating you and Jesus asleep in your arms; I dare not approach while he reposes near your heart.  Press him in my name and kiss his fine head for me and ask him to return the kiss when I draw my dying breath.  St. Joseph, Patron of Departing Souls, pray for me.

Supported by the Saints also reminded me of just how much I have always depended on the Saints to intercede for me.  I was moved by the prayer of St. Francis de Sales.  It is about facing change.  Change is difficult.  Even change that we want is difficult.  Here is the prayer:

Do not look forward in fear to the changes of life; rather look to them full of hope as they arise.  God, whose very own you are, will lead you safely through all things.  And when you cannot stand it, God will carry you in his arms.  Do not fear what may happen tomorrow.  The same everlasting Father who cared for you today will take care of you then and every day.

Like the author, I will put these words on my mirror so that I am reminded NOT to fear change.  For the everlasting Father has me safely in His arms.

~Cindy

In the Waiting Room

I was feeling sad yesterday sitting in the waiting room with Michael.  They were running late with his chemo, so we sat and waited. The TV was on low and there was only one other person in the waiting room.  We were alone as we are even if the room is packed.   I was drawn to rub his back.  I am not sure if it was to comfort me or him.  Both of us, I suppose.  We sit quietly together and alone full of our own thoughts, fears and hopes.

They call us in.  We laugh with the nurses who shelter us with their smiles and good humor.  We welcome their jokes and hugs.  I love it that they always try to get Michael in his favorite chair.

Lord, help us as we pray in our own Garden of Gethsemane.   We too would gladly let this cup pass, but we accept your will.  Abandon us not, but strengthen our desire to embrace your cross as our own.  Amen

~Cindy