Home

I have just returned home after being gone for almost three weeks.  It is good to be home among my own things, with my schedule, and my bed.   As I drove for my visit to Texas I had ample time to think, to reminisce and to pray.  I began my trip to Texas with a blessing from Father Charlie and I began my trip home with a blessing from Father Michael. ( Sorry Father Charlie, but his was in a lilting Irish Brogue.  That always melts my heart.)

The road was well known to me as Michael and I had traveled it many times with familiar stops along the way and some that we had talked about stopping by in the future.  I found myself placing my hand on the seat next to me where Michael's knee used to be.  Still I talked to him and pointed out familiar attractions.  I complained to him about road construction.  I cried for myself.

My Spiritual Journey is a trip.  One that is familiar in many ways with known attractions and future stops.  The Church has given me a blessing to start my journey, it was my Baptism.   The Church will also give me a blessing when I am ready to return home.  It will be in the Sacrament of the Sick.  Along the way the Church provides a road map for me in other Sacraments.  She provides Devotions, Prayers and Sacramentals as guide posts and rest areas along the way.

Like many a traveler sometimes I have taken a wrong turn and become lost and forgotten where my home truly is; for we are called to be not to be of this world.  But like a good map or GPS the Church helps me to find my way even after an unplanned detour.

So I was pleased today to be home in My Parish, with My Community walking the road with My Brothers and Sisters.

Lord, You have called us to be
not of this world.
You have asked us to leave our families and our homes
to follow You.
Thank you Lord, for the guide posts and rest areas
that You provide along the way.
Until I come HOME, 
I ask You to watch over me and keep me safe.

~Cindy

Amish Insight

Well, being a little under the weather caused me to watch some TV yesterday.  I watched a documentary on the Amish.  Here is what I took away from it.

They believe as I do that we are just passing through this world.  They view the world as a place that attempts to draw them away from God.  If an activity or a device draws them away from God then they do not use it or engage in the activity.

It is interesting that I am noticing that I am drawn away from God by my electronics. Yes, my prayers and Divine Office are on there, but it is too easy to spend the day tapping and playing games. When was the last time that I stopped and thanked God for my day?

I listened to an Amish woman, who said that everything that she did during the day was a prayer to God.  She started the day in prayer with her family.  I too begin my day in prayer and offer my day to God.

This is what touched me and I have been meditating on it.  She said, " If I offer my day to God then even if I am washing dishes standing at the sink, my SOUL is KNEELING before God."

I love the image of my soul kneeling before God.  That is what it should be doing. No matter what happens today, no matter what obstacles my be in my way, no matter how I feel....my soul is kneeling before God.

~Cindy

Pray!

Lord, you know it has been a hard week.  I have been on the verge of tears most of the week and yet you have sent me so many blessings.

My niece is exploring becoming a Catholic.  She, her husband and my sister are coming to Mass!  A miracle.  More prayers answered.

 And yet...

I feel like I have been invited to a party that I want to attend, but my sorrow is so great that I can't fully enjoy it.  At Mass I find that I try to be small and inconspicuous.  I don't want to talk to anyone.  I just want to be there with you.

I feel like a time traveler that is lost in a black hole.  I know that you are there.  I see you in the beauty of the world, the kindness of friends and strangers.  I know you are there, but I fear that I won't be happy again.  I know you won't abandon me.  You will lift me up.  You will be my comfort and refuge.  You are my hope and my strength.

I found comfort in the concluding prayer in today's Office Reading.

Lord,

free us from the dark night of death.

Let the light of resurrection

 dawn within our hearts

 to bring us to the radiance of eternal life.

  We ask this through our Lord Jesus Christ,

 your Son,who lives and reigns with you an

 the Holy Spirit, on

 God, for ever and ever.– Amen.

 ~Cindy

 

St. Therese & St. Jude

Sometimes I am as thick as a post.  This is not new information for those that know me.  The Lord had to hit me twice with the 2X4 this time!


While Michael was ill I prayed to St. Therese of Lisieux and St. Jude that he would find his way back to the Church.  As you know my prayers and the prayers of many were answered.

So yesterday while at my sisters home my grand niece was sitting at the table.  She had a bag of artificial roses.  She asked me if I wanted one.  I said yes and didn't think about it until this morning at Mass.  As I finished my prayer to St. Therese I looked into my purse and there it was, a perfect rose laying by my Rosary!  I am going to take it as a sign from St. Therese, who promised to send a shower of roses from Heaven!

I got the message....

~Cindy

Dreams

Dreaming has always been a healing for me.  I figure out answers to problems and concerns while I sleep.  Since Michael's death I haven't been dreaming.  Or if I am I do not remember them.  Instead I feel like I am in total darkness, nothingness.  I awake exhausted and long for the nights filled with dreams.

Many times in the Bible God used dreams to help people know what to do.  He warned Joseph that it was okay to  take Mary as his spouse.  He warned Joseph to take Mary and the child into Egypt for safety.  He warned the Magi not to go back and tell Herod were they had found the child.

I finally dreamed three weeks almost to the day of the anniversary of Michael's death.  There he was talking to me.  He had a lot to say, but I can't remember any of the words.  I just know that he was there healthy and hearty talking to me.  When I awoke I was comforted.

This morning I feel lost and alone.  I am like a blank chalk board waiting to be written on.

He found them in a wilderness,
a wasteland of howling desert.
He shielded them and cared for them,
guarding them as the apple of his eye.

Deuteronomy 32:10

~Cindy 

St. Elizabeth Ann Seton and me

How fitting that today is the Feast Day of St. Elizabeth Ann Seton.  A widow that converted to Catholicism and started the American Catholic school system.

 I have had many roles in my life; daughter, sister, aunt, friend, wife, mother, grandmother, and now widow.

It seems very strange to be a widow.  The word sounds old and foreign on my tongue.  I am not sure what to do with this new role.

I feel like I am floating in a sensory deprivation device waiting.  Waiting for you, Lord.  Waiting to see which path opens itself to me.  I am content to wait.  Content to ponder the changes in my life.  Content to put on this role and see how it fits.  But mostly content to wait on You, Lord.

From the Divine Office this morning we pray:



RESPONSORY
The Lord will help her; his loving presence will be with her. 
– The Lord will help her; his loving presence will be with her.
He dwells in her; she will not falter.–
  His loving presence will be with her.
Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. 
– The Lord will help her; his loving presence will be with her.

~Cindy 

Come to Me...

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

I am weary Lord.  My heart is heavy and yet I find comfort in Your word and Your promise.

I look for Your blessings and find them in little things.  Laughing on Christmas Day with family.  Enjoying a sunrise or sunset.  Completing the tasks that are numerous before me.

I especially want to Thank You for the feeling I had yesterday as I hugged Michael's urn.  For just a moment he was back in my arms.  I wanted to hold him forever.

Lord, help me to lay my burdens down and lay in Your arms.

~Cindy

Called Home

Psalmody 19 December

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul;
come and rescue me, for you are my
refuge and my strength.

Michael's battle with pancreatic cancer ended yesterday.  He went surrounded by family praying the rosary and playing chant music from the Benedictine Nuns.   We all talked to him even though he could not answer.  He was too busy passing from this life of pain to the life of eternal joy.

We made a promise to each other that I would pray for his soul in purgatory and he would pray for mine.  I am going to hold him to that promise.  He was able to come back to the Church and be embraced by the loving arms of Our Blessed Mother and Our Lord and Saviour.

Michael would not want us to stop living.  No this was a man who loved life and lived it to the fullest.  So as we continue to prepare for Christmas I am comforted that Michael will be there to truly celebrate.

We have loved him during life. Let us not abandon him, until we have conducted him by our prayers into the house of the Lord.  St. Ambrose

~Cindy

Not Even One Hour

Lord, I feel like the apostles when you were in the garden.  You asked them to keep watch and they fell asleep.

I wanted to sleep last night.  My head hurt, my stomach was upset and I was impatient.  Michael for his part was up and down, confused and a little miffed at me.  I didn't understand what he wanted and he didn't understand that I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep.

How small of me not to be able to keep vigil with him with joy in my heart.  Why was it difficult for me to remember that these are precious, sacred moments that we have together?

I was drawn to the concluding prayer at Midday in the Liturgy of the Hours.

Almighty God, who command us to prepare the way for Christ the Lord,
Grant in your kindness, we pray,
that no infirmity may weary us
as we long for the comforting presence
of our heavenly physician.
Who lives and reigns with you in the unity
of the Holy Spirit,
one God, for ever and ever.
-Amen

Help me Lord, to be a good caregiver.

~Cindy

The Second Week of Advent Calls

Take off the garment of your sorrow and affliction, O Jerusalem, and put on for ever the beauty of the glory from God. Put on the robe of the righteousness from God; put on your head the diadem of the glory of the Everlasting.
(Bar5:1-2)

From the Liturgy of the Hours.






I laid in bed this morning Lord and watched my husband breathe with  assistance of the oxygen tank.  The steady hum was our accompaniment all night. It's tubing was gathered up several times as we made our trek to the bathroom.  Careful not to get tangled up in our feet as we made our way from one room to the next.  A reminder that we were connected to that tank that eased his breathing and my mind.

I could not help laying my hand on his this morning and wondering when they had gotten so small and frail.  I have seen those hands do many things.  They have changed diapers, put worms on hooks, buttoned coats, smoothed a charts, written a letter, raised an anchor and steered a boat.  Those hands have held my hand for a little more than 23 years.  They have fixed cars and built things.  Now they hold a Rosary at night and seem to flutter over his chest as he sleeps.

He seems restless and anxious and I try to calm him.  We are moving forward in this season of preparation.  Calm our fears, hold us in Your Hands, keep us safe.

~Cindy

Miracles Abound

Dawn finds me ready to welcome you, my God.

Even in the darkness of our struggle I am amazed at the miracles that You give us Lord.  Last night I saw forgiveness and love in a simple hug and the words, "I love you."

They were spoken by two people who have struggled to come to terms with each other for a long time and now as one faces then end of his earthly life You have provided a path for them to connect.

I have prayed to Your Mother and mine to help in this request and once again She has answered.  You have answered us a hundred fold.  Even in the darkness you bring light!

Thank you Lord for each and every blessing that you give us.

~Cindy

Walking in Preparation

Oh Lord, my heart is heavy.  Yesterday was hard.  We had to admit that we were entering a new chapter in Michael's care.

We are so grateful that you continue to put in our path the people to help us with this walk of preparation.

I remember all the times that you have carried me and my troubles and made me whole.  I place my trust in you again that once again you will lift me up!

~Cindy

Praying the Our Father

The Our Father is one prayer that seems to cross all lines of denominations.  I have been praying it a lot these days.  As I pray it I tremble when contemplating what I am truly asking for when I say:

"And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."

These are powerful words.  Do I really want God to forgive me in the same manner that I forgive those that have hurt me, made me angry, trespassed against me? No.  I want him to be more forgiving, but truly I am the one that needs to be more like him.  He has forgiven me much and I am quite sure that he will forgive me much in the future.

In my hurt and my anger, justified though it may have been He led me to this quote:

A moment of patience
in a moment of anger.

Prevents a thousand
moments of regret.

Ali Ibn Abi Talib

Peter in the Garden of Gethsemane cut off the ear of one of the guards.  Jesus healed the guard.  He asked Peter to put down his sword and I am putting down mine.

Lord Your Word is a Lamp to My Soul

Psalm 37

Do not fret because of the wicked;
 do not envy those who do evil:
 for they wither quickly like grass and fade like the green of the fields.
 
If you trust in the Lord and do good,
then you will live in the land and be secure.
If you find your delight in the Lord,
he will grant your heart’s desire.
 
Commit your life to the Lord,
trust in him and he will act,
so that your justice breaks forth like the light,
your cause like the noon-day sun.
 
Be still before the Lord and wait in patience;
do not fret at the man who prospers;
a man who makes evil plot 
to bring down the needy and the poor.
 
Calm your anger and forget your rage;
do not fret, it only leads to evil.
For those who do evil shall perish;
the patient shall inherit the land.
 
A little longer–and the wicked shall have gone.
Look at his place, he is not there.
But the humble shall own the land
and enjoy the fullness of peace.

~Cindy
 

Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother

Lord, you know that I didn't sleep much last night.  You also know that every time I woke up I was angry and hurt.  I feel so betrayed.

How can a child take advantage of a dying confused parent?  How can they put their own selfish desires and wants ahead of others?

Lord, I want to throw over tables like you did with the Money Changers in the Temple.  I want to throw the tablets like Moses did when he came down from the mountain.  I want justice.  I want to scream at the unfairness of it all.  But most of all I want the anger and hurt to go away.  I don't want to drive a wedge any further in this relationship.

Help me Lord to hold my tongue in my anger.  Help me to listen to your guidance.  Give me the words I need to express myself clearly and express my disappointment in our sons behavior.  Help me to remember that my call is to provide a sacred cocoon of love for my husband as he faces his final days. Help me to not seek revenge, but to also not be a doormat.

Lord, Help Me.....

~Cindy

They Came

Lord you know how afraid I was to make the call and ask for help.  I want to be strong, but you tell me that I am only strong in my weakness.

So the call for help was made and they came to comfort and support.  To laugh and talk.  To mourn.  What a witness to your great love for us; that you show us in our own families the truth of your mercy.  You show us daily that there are many "Simons" that help us carry our cross.

So as I gather myself for another day I look to you and Your Mother for the grace to put myself second.

My heart is ever pleading, show me your face.

I long to gaze upon you, Lord.
 

~Cindy

You Send What We Need

Lord you know how hard yesterday was. It was long and difficult and full of speed bumps that disheartened us.  But it was also full of Mercies and Friendship.

I found this prayer and it summed it up.

Prayer for All Who Carry Their Cross

Oh my God, I thank you for this cross you have allowed me to carry.

Please give me the strength and faith to perservere so that I may bring glory to your name

while withstanding the burden of its weight.

Thank you for offering me a share in your suffering.  

I know that you have always been, are now, and ever will be,

at my side every step of the way.

Thank you also for every "Simon" that you have sent to help me bear this cross.

I have prayed so often that this thorn in my flesh would be removed,

but I trust that your grace is sufficient.  

Change my heart's troubled cry of,

"How long, O Lord",

into words of trust:

"However long, O Lord."

May I seek only to do your will and to unite my sufferings with your passion.

Help me to not get lost in my own self concerns, but may I find in these trials

a way to greater virtue, 

a call to prayer and a path to trust in you alone.

Permit me not to waste my pain,

but to make of these struggles a sacrificial offering for others.

Lord, when I am weary and I fall,

exhausted under the weight of this cross,

please give me the courage to press on as you did.

Lord Jesus, I embrace with love my cross,

as a share in your own.

By your grace, may I carry it all the way to the vision of your glory.

I abandon myself totally to your will.

Christ Jesus, I trust in you.

Amen

Pedro de la Cruz 2012

To all the "Simons" in my life.

Thank you!

~Cindy

The Night

We had a hard night Lord.  Anxiety covered us like a dark cloud and we shivered in our fear.  We couldn't lay in the bed and be comforted.

We sat in the living room with the fireplace going, he in his recliner covered with his afghan and I in a chair drawn close to him.  We sat in the glow of the fire and I rubbed his back.  Fear was in the room. We had no words to say, no comfort to give, and then he asked, "Can we pray the Rosary together?"

So we sat in the night with our Rosaries in hand and prayed the ancient words together.  We offered up our fear and asked that you take it or help us carry it.  We are unable to do this alone.  Finally he said he was able to lay back in bed.

We are bound together with you, Lord.  We are nothing without you, Lord.  Help us in our fear.

~Cindy

The Stone in My Heart

Lord, there is a stone in my heart.  It feels so heavy today.  It is more like the boulders that dot the landscape.

Then there is the young girl, who looked to be in her late twenties in the doctor's office.  She was almost running as she left.  The tears were streaming down her face and her mother followed behind looking stunned.  My heart went out to them and I asked you to show Your Merciful Face.  To fold them in Your Arms.  To comfort them.

I ask you to comfort us as we struggle with this cross you have given to us.  Help us Lord to keep getting up when we stumble.  Help us as we stand empty before You, with nothing more to offer.

Help me to remember that tears are prayer also.

Lord, there is a stone in my heart.

~Cindy

Sitting in the Shadow of Death

We are all sitting in the shadow of death, but of late I am more aware of just how transient our time in this world is.  We complain about our lives and bemoan perceived hurts.  We argue over the mundane and make mountains out of mole hills.

Yesterday as I sat watching blood flow into the veins of my husband who is courageously battling cancer I sat in the shadow of death and kept watch.

 The nurses encourage you to stay or leave as you desire, but I can't bring myself to leave him and do the mundane daily tasks that await me at home.  I don't know how much longer we have together and every moment is precious.  So I sit and watch the blood flow and him sleep and listen in to conversations on the other side of the curtain.  I read my Divine Office, pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy and pray the Rosary.  I feel a sense of peace as I call on heaven to help us.

I no longer pray for a miracle, though I would gladly take one.  I pray that we have courage and grace to accept the Will of God.  I pray that we can be a witness to others of God's great mercy.

So today as I picked up my prayers I was drawn to these parts of the Morning Prayer.

Responsory
At daybreak, be merciful to me.– At daybreak, be merciful to me.
Make known to me the path that I must walk.– Be merciful to me.

Luke 1:78-79
In the tender compassion of our God 
the dawn from on high shall break upon us, to shine on those who dwell in darkness and the shadow of death,
and to guide our feet into the way of peace.  

~Cindy