The Holidays

What cannot be said will be wept.
Sappho


Weeping is the hardest part for me.  Once I start I am terrified that I will not be able to stop. The waves of grief crash over me with such ferocity that I am crushed under them gasping for breath.

Everywhere I look people are in the Holiday Season and I, not unlike many others, am in my Season of Grief.

New layers were added to my grief this year.  The loss of my daughter, Kelly, this summer and the passing of what would have been her 43rd birthday this past October.  The rapid approach of December 18th.  The 6th year anniversary of Michael’s death.  Christmas Day the first anniversary of my father’s death.  I feel like the bush in the photo, dormant covered in the weight of the cold unforgiving snow.  I can barely remember my spring when the first green shoots appear and later in my full glory under the sun I flowered and was full of hope.

My heart is heavy with it’s burdens and laughter seems like a blasphemy.  I have no will to celebrate and fill my days with shopping and merrymaking.  Instead, I wish to sit and ponder my memories and wrap myself in their warmth until the New Year when perhaps, once again I can flower and bask in the warmth of hope and new beginnings.

Happy Birthday Michael

We have loved him dearly in life. Let us not abandon him until we have conducted him by our prayers into the house of the Lord.
~St. Ambrose


Today would be the celebration of your earthly birthday.  Though we would have waited until the third for the party.  So that we could celebrate our birthdays together.  All the years that we were together the 3rd of November became our joint celebration.  Our birthdays became so melded that at times it was difficult to remember that yours was the 2nd and mine the 4th.

Burnt Sugar Cake for you and pumpkin pie for me.  No candles too dangerous in the later years. How I wish you were here to celebrate, but you are not and I am sad.  Sad for me.  I know that you are in such a better place and your earthly suffering is over.

I miss you calling me Cinders, asking what the plan is for the day, and just sitting next to me.  I just wanted you to know that I am keeping my promise to you.  Happy Birthday!

Lord, you know
the depth of my grief.
I thank you for it.
For in this valley of tears
Are the lessons of;
Trust, Abandonment, and Obedience.
Your Will, not mine.

~Cindy

Jesus, I Trust in You

 I have been drawn to reading the Diary of Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska.  For about 2 years I have been praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy and even did the Novena last year in preparation for Mercy Sunday. But it is now that the message is becoming clear to me.  It is TRUST!

I am trying to trust.  I keep coming back to; Trusting in the Lord.  Being the kind of person that likes lists, plans and Being in Charge.  Trust is and has been a big issue for me.  I know...if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans.  I am sure that He is rolling on the floor laughing.

He also knows that this limbo that I am living in is so extremely painful for me.  I can't make a list, a plan and I am definitely NOT in charge.  I am a blubbering mass of sorrow and grief.  I am a quivering ball of emotions.  I am in fear of imploding on myself.  And then ever so gently Jesus hits me right between the eyes with a 2X4.  HE has a list, a plan, and HE is in Charge!  He knows that I am worried.  He knows that I am afraid.  He knows how much pain I am in right now.  All he asks is that I trust Him.

Father Charlie reminded us today that all the readings were about people worried about their futures and what was in store for them.  The message, then as now, is Trust in Me.  St. Faustina heard the message from Jesus.  It was then and is now, Trust in Me.

So here I am Lord in all my tears and fears trying my ultimate best to Trust.  To trust that the plan you have for me is so much better than any thing that I could image or hope for myself.  To trust that You truly are carrying me in Your arms and if I would just relax it would be all better.

So to once again borrow from Father Charlie: "You don't worry about what the future holds, when you know who holds the future."

Lord,
I put my worries in your hands.  I am putting down my lists and plans and being in charge.  Help me to Trust that You have the ultimate plan for me.  Help me to wait in Joy for that revelation.

~Cindy