Solemnity of Christ the King

A person who governs his passions is master of the world.  We must either rule them or be ruled by them.  It is better to be the hammer than the anvil.
~St. Dominic


Passions.  I am a person of passions.  I am never half way in.  It is all or nothing with me.  This week has been up and down and I have struggled with my heart.

I am barely a month away from the second anniversary of Michael's death.  Some have said to me that the second year must be easier.  It isn't.  The loss though not as fresh is just as painful.  My life is still morphing into a life without his physical presence.  I still look to him and for him.

I was also distressed by a couple that I know that posted on Facebook that though they were Catholic they are now Christians and have just been baptized into a non-denominational church.  Are they unaware that Catholics are Christians? Are they unaware that they have been Baptized and need no other?  It broke my heart.

There was the post by a family member that stated: My name is ---------- and I am openly secular. I am kind, moral, and good, not because I need the fear of divine punishment or the promise of a divine reward, but because it is the right thing to do. I am good without god! If you are not ashamed put your name in place of mine and make it your status. 

What broke my heart was the sentence; " I am good without god!"  I ,for my part,am NOT good without God? I do not know where I would be without Him.

Then Sunday came.  Today we celebrate the Solemnity of Christ the King and accept the catechumens from the Rite of Christian Initiation.  There they were with their sponsors ready to make it publicly known  that they wished to join us in fellowship and become Catholics.  It made my heart soar!  The good God had reminded me that there are still people seeking Him.  My job is to assist them in whatever way I can.  My job is to be Christ-like.  My obligation is to proclaim loudly that, JESUS CHRIST IS KING OF MY HEART AND OF THE UNIVERSE.

Dear King and Savior,
Look on us with Mercy.

Help me to be the person You wish me to be.
Give me strength when I am put to the test.

May my proclamation of faith be not only on my lips,
but in my actions, for they speak the loudest.

~Cindy

Solemnity - All Saints Day

I love this Holy Day of Obligation.  I think about all the Saints in Heaven with God singing His praises and hopefully putting in a small good word for me.

Lately I have been feeling small and empty.  I am distracted in my prayers.  There is no comfort to be found and yet, I continue to pray.  Every saint that I have ever read about has felt empty and small and distracted.  Some for years or decades.  Yet, they continued to pray.

In case you may be wondering, I know that I am NO saint.  Not yet anyway!  I hope to be one.  I long to be one.  I pray to be one.  So I look to my go to Saints for guidance.

St Therese the Little Flower - a simple all encompassing love was her's.  She offered herself as an empty vessel to the good God.  She saw Jesus' arms as elevators to Heaven and longed to throw herself into them.

St Jude - Impossible Cases. That's me all over.  You have gotten me through some tough stuff.

St Anthony of Padua - Finder of lost articles.  You not only have found things I have lost, you helped me find me!

The Blessed Mother - My mother in Heaven.  I put my trust in your continued love in full knowledge that you will lead me to your Son.

On this Solemnity of All Saints I am reminded:

Ephesians 2:8-9:

 For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. 
 

I am the light of the world

Getting up in the dark to take Cynthia to work has given me a chance to watch the world wake up.  I loved getting up while living on the boat and watching the moon set and the sun rise while sitting in the cockpit and contemplating my day.

Now I sit in the desert and watch the lights twinkle in Laughin across the river.  The moon still sets and the sun still rises.

This morning as I sat waiting for Cynthia, I was reminded of a time on the boat when we were on the Inter-coastal Waterway.  It was dangerous to travel at night and we planned each day to be somewhere safe away from the traffic of the barges.  One day in Louisiana we failed to get to our anchorage before dark.  Dark, I have never seen it so dark, as it was that night on the ICW with no moon or light of any kind except the glow of our chart plotter.

Our safe anchorage was what they call a hidden anchorage.  It was only as you lined up with some trees and motored through the lily pads that it opened up to a cove that two boats could fit in.  We missed it in the total darkness and were hard aground.  Stuck in the darkness.

It is so easy to get stuck in the darkness.  We make bad decisions, we forget to pray, we think that we can do it ourselves.  We let petty slights fester into gaping wounds.  And so we sit in the darkness with danger all around us.  We forget that Jesus is the Light of the world.  We forget that He holds us in the palm of His hand and has called us by name.

So this morning I was drawn to two verses about light.

John 9:5 While I am in the world I am the light of the world.

Romans 13:12 The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light.

Lord, help me help you be the light of the world, the dawn is breaking!

~Cindy

Our Lady of the Rosary

Today is the Memorial of Our Lady of the Rosary.  It is also the completion of my retreat.  Today is the day that I make my Consecration to Our Blessed Mother.

There has been a calm in my heart for several weeks as I prepared for this consecration.  But the last couple of days I noticed that I fell into some old patterns.  Bursts  of frustration, anger and ill temper.  At first I was confused as to what was happening.  Then it hit me.  The Devil. 

He really was not happy with how things were going.  He was losing traction in my life and like a spoiled child he was going around and stamping his feet and throwing things.  He knows me well, that one.  He knows every chink in my armour and how to open it up to do the most damage.

For my part, confession, prayer and Holy Communion.  I know that I won't be perfect from this moment on.  I do know and believe that I am a child of God and that He and I share a Mother!  He choose her and he gave her to me.  I for my part have placed everything that I am and hope to be in her care. 

She knows me better than the devil does.  She knows the good and the bad.  She knows my struggles, confusion, and hurts.  She helps me stand at the foot of the cross and embrace it with all my being.  Our hearts are united.  She has given us the perfect weapon, The Most Holy Rosary!

~Cindy

Getting Lost in the Busy

I was texting with my prayer partner last night.  She is feeling a little over busy and is concerned that she may be losing sight of her call.  It happens and I can relate.  In the Honeymoon phase when you are so on fire you sign up for every retreat, society and mission that you can work into your schedule.  You fill your day with commitments that are more about doing then about being.

Prayer becomes rote and there is little meaning.  Though in times of aridity it is right to continue praying.  We want to be careful not to become "whited sepulchers" more concerned about the Law than the Spirit of the Law.  We don't want to be: just seen praying.  We must pray!  But it is not important to let others always see or know that we are indeed praying.  We continually must evaluate our motivation.  It is a delicate balance.  I like to remember that Jesus often times appears to be overwhelmed by the crowds.  He takes time to go to a quiet place to pray.  We need to do that too.  Prayer is the battery charge that keeps us going and gives meaning to our lives.

So I was praying about my prayer partner this morning and I thought of Martha and Mary.  In Luke 10:38-42 we read:

"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

I am a lot like Martha.  I run around and make sure that everything is as it should be and only stop when exhausted and a little upset that no one was helping me.  Though if I am honest they wouldn't do it the way I want it anyway.

I struggle to be like Mary.  I want to sit quietly at the feet of Jesus, but my mind starts to wander with all the things that I need to get done.  I am making mental lists of lists.  I find being quiet difficult!  I can hide in my busyness.  So I try and practice being quiet.  I try to listen.

So dear prayer partner if you want I am willing to change places though I think we both need to take a breath, go to a quiet place, and listen.  I believe that He is calling...

~Cindy

My Grandparents came this morning

I am still riding on the high of being able to receive Holy Communion.  It is like a cloak that has settled on me.  It makes me warm and feel safe all at the same time.

This morning as I was praying the Rosary what I at first thought was a distraction turned in to such Grace!

I was just beginning the 3rd Glorious Mystery when the thought of my grandparents drifted across my mind.  Then this ache started in my heart and spread throughout my chest and then there was a warmness and tears began to fill my eyes and then I could smell them both.  Helen and John were there with me.  I still am tearing up when I think of them.

They had such faith.  My grandpa was gone much to soon from my physical life, but he has always been a guide for me.  Someone that I turn to when in trouble.  He has always comforted me.  Grandma, what can I say?  You who quietly professed your faith.  You went to daily Mass and yes you took me with you even when I was not so excited about going.  But you just kept on with praying your Rosary, attending daily Mass and being a witness to the grace of God.

So what I thought was a distraction turn into another Tender Mercy from my Beloved!

~Cindy

Your sins are forgiven. Go and Sin no more.

Alleluia, Alleluia.

My Beloved has answered my prayers and all the prayers of my family and friends.  As of today Michael and I are home.  We have been welcomed back to the Church!

We made our confessions and received absolution.  And then the longing of my heart was answered and we received Holy Communion!

This is the Body and Blood

My heart actually physically hurts I am so happy.  I have longed for this moment for a very long time.  Now Our Blessed Mother has moved her Son to grant not only that I am in full communion with the Church, but she extended her mercy to Michael.

After 23 years of marriage we said a Rosary in thanksgiving together, both in good standing with the Church.

There really are no words to tell you how wonderful and at peace I am.  I am now carrying my Beloved in my heart.  He has removed all obstacles and made me whole.

Alleluia, Alleluia

~Cindy

The Summons

In today's Gospel we are called to leave everything and become a disciple of Christ.  As the Homily reminded me, being a Disciple of Christ is not an ala carte affair.  We must accept all his teaching.  We must leave our families and our possessions and even our own lives.  This is not an easy thing.  Jesus did not tell us it would be easy.  We are reminded that without the Cross there is no Crown!

Called to embrace our enemies.  Called to forgiveness. Called to love the unlovable.  We are called to be Christ in the world.

Because my words seem inadequate to my own ears I will borrow from John L. Bell.

The Summons

Will you come and follow me,

 If I but call your name?

Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?

Will you let my love be shown, 

Will you let my name be known,

Will you let my life be grown 

In you and you in me?

Will you leave yourself behind,

If I but call your name?

Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?

Will you risk the hostile stare

Should your life attract or scare?

Will you let me answer prayer 

In you and you in me?

Will you let the blinded see,

If I but call your name?

Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?

Will you kiss the leper clean,

And do such as this unseen,

And admit to what I mean 

In you and you in me?

Will you love the "you" you hide,

If I but call your name?

Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?

Will you use the faith you've found

To reshape the world around,

Through my sight and touch and sound

In you and you in me?

Lord, your summons echoes true

When you but call my name.

Let me turn and follow you

And never be the same.

In your company I'll go

Where your love and footsteps show.

Thus I'll move and live and grow

In you and you in me.

~Cindy

Day of Prayer for Peace

My husband and I tuned into EWTN today to join the Pope and billions all over the world pray for peace.  Our intention was to pray the Rosary with the Holy Father.  We did and then we couldn't turn it off.  We stayed for the entire vigil!

Then we continued to watch and saw a wonderful piece on Fr. Francis Xavier Seelos C.Ss.R.  We were both so moved by his life.  He was a Redemptorist priest who is now called Blessed by the Catholic Church.  He had such a deep abiding prayer life!

He was born in Germany in 1819 and came to America were he was ordained in the Redemptorist Church of St. James in Baltimore, Maryland.

So humble was this Servant of God that he begged the Pope NOT to make him a Bishop.

The Blessed Mother told him the time and means of his death and yet he continued in his missionary zeal to bring Christ to those most in need.

Blessed Francis Xavier Seelos was a great healer while on earth and continues to intercede for those who ask.  He is buried at the National Shrine of Blessed Francis Xavier Seelos, C.Ss.R. Shrine in St. Mary's Assumption Church, New Orleans, Louisiana.

What an amazing day we had.  Oh, did I mention that we continued to watch and saw a show from 1957.  Bishop Fulton J. Sheen was on next.  Yes, we watched!

Thank you Lord for all your Tender Mercies.

Cindy~

Petition of Frater-Soror

My Spiritual Journey has been a bumpy one to say the least.  I took myself away from the Church several years ago and during that time I married.

Of course we were not married in the Church, we were living in sin.  A little over two years ago I decided that I was being called back to the Church.  Our Lord can be persistent.  My difficulty was that my husband was not hearing the same call.

Life has changed yet again and now we both want to be in Full Communion with the Church.  Yes, he could petition of an annulment, but we do not think that we have time for that.  He has been diagnosed with metastatic pancreatic cancer.  Currently, he is doing palliative Chemotherapy so that he can have some time.  Time to get his life in order.  Our Parish priest was most helpful in leading us in the direction that he felt would be most expeditious.  Therefore, we are petitioning for a Petition Frater-Soror.  In other words to live as Brother and Sister.

Oh, there are complications.  We live in Arizona but have chosen to go to the Parrish in Nevada.  It is only across the river a 15 minute drive. Not to worry, we live in the digital age and he could fill out the Diocesan paperwork.  He called the Arizona Diocese and got his code so that he could enter the data. Complication...the Arizona Bishop will not sign the Petition Frater-Soror unless it comes from the Parrish Priest in Arizona. Our Priest has spoken with the Arizona Priest and the Arizona Priest will meet with us today and decide if he will support our Petition.

I understand that sometimes we must deal with the business side of the Church and that it has its place.  However, I am disappointed.  I am hurting.  I am concerned for our souls.  I long with all my heart to receive the Holy Eucharist.

Lord, I have to lay this at Your feet and walk away.  Walk away in Trust that You, who can move mountains know the desires of our hearts and will send the Holy Spirit to whisper in a couple of ears.

Jesus, I Trust in You

~Cindy

Responsory

At daybreak be merciful to me.
Make known to me the path I must walk.
At daybreak be merciful to me.

This Responsory spoke to me today.

  Lord, I am not sure of the path that you want me to take.  If I can quiet my heart and listen,  I know that You will show me.

At daybreak be merciful to me.

Rocks...

I have been building a prayer garden in my yard. 

Because I live in the desert it involves a lot of rock.  Big rocks, little rocks, and rocks of different colors.  I find myself looking at rocks on the side of the road and longing for them.  I really want the boulders, but my back isn't strong enough to pick them up.  I love the sunburned rocks that you see here in Arizona.  They are two toned, pale cream on one side and black on the side that the sun hits all day long.  Yes, I have stopped and taken a few specimens from the roadside.

As I was placing gravel the other day I was struck by the differences.  At first glance it all looks gray and boring then you will see one that looks polished or a red one or one that is cut open and has color inside of the boring gray.  Some are smooth and some are rough.  Some are dull and some sparkle when the sun hits them just right.

I think that we are like rocks.  So many times we get caught up in what we see on the outside and we make judgements.  I am like that, I see rough edges and make assumptions.  I don't like that part of me much, but it is who I am.

But what if we were geodes?

 On first glance they are not attractive.  Bumpy without much color lying there on the ground among the other rocks.  Then the magic happens...you cut them open to look inside and they are full of color.  They can be purple, blue, yellow, etc.  They are full quartz crystals.   They are transformed when cut open.

Our souls I think can be like geodes.  So many times they do not look like anything special to the naked eye, but in the hands of the artists they are transformed into shining crystals.  God is the artist of our souls.  It is He who cuts open our souls and transforms us from the boring gray rock that many would pass by.  He is able to see inside.  Our task is to open ourselves so that others can see what Our Lord sees.

~Cindy

Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary

"This daughter of Jerusalem is lovely and beautiful as she ascends to heaven like the sun at daybreak."

 When I awoke the morning this is the cloud that greeted me.  The sun was peaking through the clouds.  How wondrous that we had clouds today on the Solemnity of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

When I think of the Assumption I think of clouds and the Blessed Virgin going to heaven among them.  I am sure it is because as a child I thought of heaven as being in the clouds.  Much religious art contains the images of clouds with the Blessed Virgin Mary and with Jesus.

As Mary is my Mother, is it not right that I think of her as a child would?  For as long as I can remember Mary has been an important part of my life.  My Mom has always encouraged me to pray to Mary.  When in trouble or struggling her words still ring in my ears, "Say a Hail Mary."

How many Hail Marys have I said in my life?  I can't even begin to imagine.  But I know this; happy or sad, in trouble or not, The Blessed Mother has been there to guide me, to admonish me and to lift me up.  She draws me closer to my Lord on a daily basis.

~Cindy

P.S. Thank you for the rainbow!

Thoughts on the Confiteor

I am always humbled during the Confiteor.  The recitation reminds me of how humble I should be in the Presence of the Lord.

I confess to almighty God and to you my brothers and sisters,
(Boy am I relieved that I don't have to confess to each and everyone of you out loud.)

that I have greatly sinned, in my thoughts and in my words,
(my greatest sins: thoughts and words.  Lord you know the sharpness of my tongue and all of my thoughts...)

In what I have done and in what I have failed to do,
(sins of omission...these are the ones that trip me up.  I know what is expected, but...)

through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault,
( Yes, I am admitting my fault three times and still it doesn't always seem adequate.)

therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin, all the Angles and Saints, and you, my brothers and sisters to pray for me to the Lord our God.
( I am not only asking. I am begging, pray for me! I want the heavenly switchboard to be lit up!)

May almighty God have mercy on us,
( Please be merciful.)

forgive us our sins,
( I long for your forgiveness.)

and bring us to everlasting life.
(Everlasting life, it is the goal.)

During each and every Mass we all stand together and admit our sins.  We ask for prayer, and forgiveness. We hope for God's mercy and everlasting life.

I place my trust in you, Lord.

Cindy~

Instant Happiness

There it was at the checkout line in Wal-Mart hanging among the cards for iTunes, AT&T, Cheese Cake Factory...Instant Happiness for only $25.00

I grabbed it thinking this is just what I need...happiness and instant no less.  Much to my chagrin it was for the Chipotle Restaurant.

So many times we want life to be easy.  Easy is good we think, but God has different plans.  He knows that we need struggle in our lives.  It seems that we grow most during the times of struggle.

When God had Moses leading the Israelites out in the desert he fed them with manna, provided water and the 10 Commandments.  And still they grumbled and whined and complained and then threw a party worshiping another god.  They were looking for Instant Happiness.

Every morning I pray the Divine Office.  The morning pray starts out:

God, come to my assistance.
-Lord, make haste to help me.

Yes, Lord make haste to help me for I am not doing such a good job lately.  I am angry, tired, frustrated, stuck, hurting and longing for some happiness.

So these are my intentions for the day:

Soften my sharp tongue for it cuts deep.
Lord, make haste to help me.

Help me to be patient.
Lord, make haste to help me.

Help me to offer up my small suffering, for yours was greater by far.
Lord, make haste to help me.

Help me to realize that I am not stuck, only standing in front of you, Lord waiting.
Lord, make haste to help me.

Help me to see that happiness is in me waiting for me to open the door.
Lord, make haste to help me. 

~Cindy

Staying Insulated

"When I found your words, I devoured them;
they became my joy and the happiness of my heart,
Because I bore your name,
O Lord, God of hosts."
Jeremiah 15:16

These words touched me this morning.  I awoke hungry.  Not just for breakfast, but for the Word.  I couldn't wait to start praying the Office.  I needed to hear the voice of my Lord.

Sitting outside and praying as the sun came over the mountains I could feel not only the warmth of the sun but the warmth of the Son and it became my joy!  I was able to step away from all the worry and the list of things to do and just bask in His love.

In the desert water is life as the Lord is life to us.  As water is so important we must care for the hoses that bring it into our home.  The hose we had was sun faded and swollen and threatening to break at any time.  It had set out in the sun for a year.  Unprotected from the elements it was showing wear.  Time to replace it.  So this morning I replaced it and added a layer of insulation to protect it.

new insulated hose

Prayer is like that.  If left, we become sun faded and the hose of prayer is broken.  Just like that hose I replaced this morning my prayer life needed not a replacement as much as a focus, a renewal, and yes a little insulation.

~Cindy

The True Vine

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that bears no fruit he cuts away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes to make it bear even more fruit."

John 15: 1-2 The Jerusalem Bible

I have been looking at our lemon tree lately.  Branches are everywhere all the way to the ground.  There is not much fruit.  I know the tree needs attention and a serious pruning, but it is hot and the work is hard, so I have been procrastinating.

This morning I awoke early and got out the pruning shears.  It took me over an hour to get that tree pruned and looking good.  It was a job well done.

I am a lot like that lemon tree.  Badly in need of a pruning.  It most likely will take more than an hour to get me looking good. Remember that I am slow learner.

My husband was diagnosed with metastatic pancreatic cancer in May of 2013.  It has brought more than a few fears and dark nights.  It was the beginning of the pruning process.  As we started to go through the motions of seeking treatment and coming to terms with the diagnosis our lives stopped. Not literally, but it sure was changed.

Snip...hand the fear over to me.
Snip...don't try and take it back
Snip... Trust
Snip...Pray

Looking at my yard after the pruning there was a pile of cut branches.   Some with fruit, small, hard, and green.  Certainly not the kind of fruit that you want to pick and use.  My prayer life sometimes looks like that pile of pruned branches with small, hard, dry fruit.  But if I lift my eyes to the newly pruned tree there is  a trunk and branches reaching toward heaven., waiting to start bearing good fruit.  Fruit that is large, and soft and moist.  Fruit full of promise .
Cindy~ 

I Did Not Want To Come

When we moved to the desert, I did not want to come.  I am not a desert person. I would tell that to everyone and anyone that would listen to me.  I did not want to look at sand and beige.  I wanted green, the jungle the ocean.  But I was called to the desert.

I wasn't like John the Baptist making straight the path for the Lord. No not me.  I was questioning and quite frankly whining.  Several people tried to explain why or give me reasons.  I wasn't buying any of it.  My life was turned upside down.

Slowly the Lord began lifting the veil and gave me small glimpses of what he wanted.  It was so simple.  He wanted me.  Me, the one that had turned her back on him so many times.  He knew me well.  He knew I was a two by four learner.  The two by four that He choose was His Mother.  The weapon was the Rosary.

It started slowly the praying of the Rosary. Hurried prayers in the early morning or late at night. Repetition of the rote prayers taught so many years ago.  Slowly my heart began to be softened, my ears began to be opened, my eyes began to see.

And so it started...praying the Rosary