Our Birthdays Are Past

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

-Psalm 34:18

This is such a hard time of year for me.  I miss celebrating our birthdays together.  I miss Michael everyday but this time of year is especially hard.

So, here I am almost five years since his death and I am preparing for my father's death.  This is hard not only because I am grieving but because I know that my Dad is going to read this blog.

So much is going on...preparing for my siblings to arrive for early Thanksgiving and Cynthia's visit this weekend.  Each day we have tasks that range from the mundane to things that must be reviewed and talked about.  We are getting our ducks in order.

We laugh, we joke, we tear up.  This is when God showers you with grace.  You must be open to it. A friend of my parents gave me this card on Sunday.

Remember, the LORD will provide someone or something to get you through any difficulty.

Lord, help me to see your grace.

Help me to not focus on the loss but,
on the here and now.

~Cindy

Passion and Purgatory

In the middle of my physical sufferings, the inner music of my soul will not stop praising God with acts of virtue offering Him my love.
- St Genoveva Torres Morales

Everywhere I look people are getting ready for the Holidays.  The mood is turning festive. I must admit that for me this time of year has become my Passion.  Please do not think that I can even begin to compare my passion with the Passion of Our Lord.  I can not and do not. Yet, I feel very much as if I am suffering my own passion.

This week is Michael and my birthday week.  All the time that we were married we celebrated the day between our two birthdays.  In celebration of Michael's last birthday our dear friends Debi and Roy drove from Texas to celebrate with us.  We all knew this would be our last celebration.  We had so much to talk about and so much to celebrate.

This week we will also celebrate All Soul's Day.  It reminds me that we must pray continually for the Holy Souls in Purgatory.  Michael, who promised me and I him that we would pray each other out of Purgatory would actually be celebrating his birthday.  Our Lord certainly writes straight with crooked lines!

This is the beginning of many "lasts".  Each one is written on my heart.

Lord, let the inner music of my soul
be made sweeter by my tears.

May my prayers and remembrances open
my heart to your grace.

May my lamentations become hymns of JOY!

~Cindy

Finding JOY!

We are at Jesus’ disposal. If he wants you to be sick in bed, if he wants you to proclaim His work in the street, if he wants you to clean the toilets all day, that’s all right, everything is all right. We must say, “I belong to you. You can do whatever you like.” And this is our strength. This is the joy of the Lord.
 - Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta

I have been long in writing a new post.  During my travels this summer I have had the occasion to ponder Joy.  Joy is more than happiness.  We are called to be people of joy.  Everything that we do, think, say and are should be Joyful!

Mother Teresa of Calcutta soon to be Saint Teresa of Calcutta lived a life of Joy even though she was without spiritual consolation for decades.  But in this lack of consolation she found Joy in the Lord.  I wish I could tell you that I am a joyful person.  I try to be, but then I find that I am not filled with the Joy of the Lord.  It is not the Lord that has abandon me.  No, it is I that have moved away from Him.

This past summer as I traveled across these United States I was struck by the sheer beauty of the landscape.  There were times when I spontaneously broke into prayer or was made mute by the majesty before me.  I was fortunate to have people I love to share it with and that made it all the more majestic.  It is easy to be joyful in those circumstances.

I find it harder at the dimming of the day when I miss Michael the most, or when a child is hurting and I can't seem to help.  When I think of my parents aging and needing more help, it is more difficult to be joyful.

Yet, each day the Lord shows me his handy work.  The beauty of the sunrise and sunset. In the laughter floating down the street.  He touches me in so many ways each day and is willing to carry my burdens with me.  He offers joy at every turn.

Lord,
I stand before you in my humanity.
Help me to relish each moment you
give me with JOY.

~Cindy

Jesus, I Trust in You

 I have been drawn to reading the Diary of Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska.  For about 2 years I have been praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy and even did the Novena last year in preparation for Mercy Sunday. But it is now that the message is becoming clear to me.  It is TRUST!

I am trying to trust.  I keep coming back to; Trusting in the Lord.  Being the kind of person that likes lists, plans and Being in Charge.  Trust is and has been a big issue for me.  I know...if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans.  I am sure that He is rolling on the floor laughing.

He also knows that this limbo that I am living in is so extremely painful for me.  I can't make a list, a plan and I am definitely NOT in charge.  I am a blubbering mass of sorrow and grief.  I am a quivering ball of emotions.  I am in fear of imploding on myself.  And then ever so gently Jesus hits me right between the eyes with a 2X4.  HE has a list, a plan, and HE is in Charge!  He knows that I am worried.  He knows that I am afraid.  He knows how much pain I am in right now.  All he asks is that I trust Him.

Father Charlie reminded us today that all the readings were about people worried about their futures and what was in store for them.  The message, then as now, is Trust in Me.  St. Faustina heard the message from Jesus.  It was then and is now, Trust in Me.

So here I am Lord in all my tears and fears trying my ultimate best to Trust.  To trust that the plan you have for me is so much better than any thing that I could image or hope for myself.  To trust that You truly are carrying me in Your arms and if I would just relax it would be all better.

So to once again borrow from Father Charlie: "You don't worry about what the future holds, when you know who holds the future."

Lord,
I put my worries in your hands.  I am putting down my lists and plans and being in charge.  Help me to Trust that You have the ultimate plan for me.  Help me to wait in Joy for that revelation.

~Cindy

Two Months

Today is the two month anniversary of Michael's death.  I find that I am in a void.  I am going through the motions of doing things.  Yes, I have things that make me smile and I laugh out loud and find Joy in each day...yet there is an emptiness.

So many offer to have me call and talk or go to lunch and talk, but I don't really want to talk.  It is still too private and sacred.  Truth be told right now it doesn't really help.  I am more than the crying jags that sneak up on me or the overwhelming loneliness that is my companion.

So God in his infinite Mercy led me to pick up the Word Among Us.  Filled with articles and meditations today it spoke to me.

Safe in Joseph's Arms, reminded me that he is the Patron Saint of Departing Souls..  I am sure that he was in the room as Michael left us.  Here is a prayer to St. Joseph:

Oh, St. Joseph, I never weary of contemplating you and Jesus asleep in your arms; I dare not approach while he reposes near your heart.  Press him in my name and kiss his fine head for me and ask him to return the kiss when I draw my dying breath.  St. Joseph, Patron of Departing Souls, pray for me.

Supported by the Saints also reminded me of just how much I have always depended on the Saints to intercede for me.  I was moved by the prayer of St. Francis de Sales.  It is about facing change.  Change is difficult.  Even change that we want is difficult.  Here is the prayer:

Do not look forward in fear to the changes of life; rather look to them full of hope as they arise.  God, whose very own you are, will lead you safely through all things.  And when you cannot stand it, God will carry you in his arms.  Do not fear what may happen tomorrow.  The same everlasting Father who cared for you today will take care of you then and every day.

Like the author, I will put these words on my mirror so that I am reminded NOT to fear change.  For the everlasting Father has me safely in His arms.

~Cindy

Consider...

Consider it all joy, my brethren,
when you encounter various trials,
knowing that the testing of your faith
produces endurance.

James 1:2-3 

The Fourth Sunday of Advent Arrives

Sound the trumpet in Zion; the day of the Lord is near; he comes to save us, alleluia.

Open to me the gates of holiness;
I will enter and give thanks.
This is the Lord's own gate
where just men may enter.
I will thank you for you have answered 
and you are my Savior.





Here we are days away from Christmas, all our preparation almost complete.  I finally put up a small simple tree that my sister lent me.  I only put on small white lights.  It sits in the window like a small beacon in the darkness.

It is barely four days since Michael passed into eternity.  Our preparations to tie up his earthly life are just beginning.  The preparation for my new life without his physical presence is upon me.

I feel like the night that we were crossing to the Bay Islands on Dragonheart and the seas were confused and large.  We were tossed about and felt lost, lonely and afraid.  Yet, as dawn broke even though the ocean was steel gray dolphins came to swim beside us and remind us that this night was ending and the new day was dawning full of promise and land.

Psalm 30:5 reminds me:

Weeping may last through the night, but JOY comes with the dawn!

My joy will come....I love you Michael...

~Cindy