Desiderata

Our labor here is brief, but the reward is eternal.  Do not be disturbed by the clamor of the world, which passes like a shadow. Do not let the false delights of a deceptive world deceive you.
-St. Clare of Assisi


I have been missing Michael a lot this week.  I have been weepy.  I have also felt him so close during Mass.  One time I could feel his hand on my shoulder.  He was sitting on my right.  I could sense him there at the Consecration.  How right that he should be there when all three parts of the Church are together; the Church Triumphant, the Church Militant and the Church Suffering.

I have been restless and wanting out of my skin, but no luck,  I am firmly in it.

Then today at Mass Father reminded my of a poster that I had on my wall as a teenager.  The Desiderata written in 1927 somehow managed to speak to me then as I was trying to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be.  The words today are as fresh and timely as when they were written.  Now they speak to an older and hopefully wiser me.

I find them calming in this time of missing Michael and finding my new single self.  I share it with you for it is worth sharing:

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. 
© Max Ehrmann 1927

~Cindy

A New Year

 No one heals himself by wounding another.
-St. Ambrose of Milan


It snowed on New Year's Eve Day in Bullhead City.  It does not happen often here, in fact the locals say the last time was 1977!

Snow was as I remembered it; cold, wet, and beautiful!

I was reminded of my childhood running unconcerned in the snow, my mittens so laden with melted and refrozen snow that they hung off my hands in a mix of ice and wet yarn.  My boots were usually rubbing large bleeding sores just below my calf, but I did not care.  It was snowing!  The sound of children's voices echoed in the neighborhood as we skated, built igloos and tossed snowballs at each other.  I have made my fair share of snowmen and snow angels.  I have placed my boots, mittens and coat over a warm register in the front hall and contributed to the unique smell of melting snow and wet yarn drying out.  On occasion you could hear the water drip, drip, drip and sizzle on the register.  I remember hot chocolate with marshmellows too and as I grew older hot toddies!

The snow here was met with differing responses.  Some were happy and others annoyed.  To some it was a miracle and to others an event that they wish they had not had to endure.

This morning, New Year's Day finds that the snow has retreated to higher elevations.  So we sit in the valley and look up to admire it.  It is almost a memory.

As I pondered the snow, I pondered my resolutions.  Why was I making any at all I thought.  In a day or two they will be a memory if I follow my usual pattern.  I don't want to follow my usual pattern.  I want my resolutions to last and I want change to come of them.  Not change in others, but change in me.

So here they are:

Lord,
Change me and the way I look at my brothers and sisters.
Change my will to Yours in all things.
Change my propensity to worry into joyful acceptance of Your plan.
Help me to change into that person that You desire.

Lord,
I look forward to our year together.
I believe that no matter what happens it is part of Your plan.
I believe that You will provide the grace and strength needed for any and all challenges.

~Cindy

Merry Christmas

One must see God in everyone.
St. Catherine Laboure'



Christmas has been different this year.  I have struggled to get into the spirit and yet I have been drawn nearer to the true meaning.

My decorations were few but meaningful.  I was waiting for my family to gather and they have, but there is still a quiet longing to see Michael sitting in his recliner enjoying the festivities.  I know that I will miss him every day and especially on holidays tho' that does not make it easier.

I have waited expectantly for the season and now the day has come when the earth stands still and hopes that there will be peace on earth, good will toward men.  It starts with me.



Lord,
I stand before the manger and there You are.  An innocent baby.
Yet all our hopes are laid at your feet.
Help us to take a moment today to stand silent.
To be at peace.  To be filled with wonder.

~Cindy

Expectant Waiting

We have been called to heal wounds, to unite what has fallen apart, and to bring home those who have lost their way.
~St. Francis of Assisi

The Fourth Sunday of Advent is upon us.  We are called to expectant waiting.  We, like Mary are waiting for the birth of a child.  Not just any child, but the Word made flesh.

We still have the empty manger, yet we can't  wait to see Him lying there.  Our salvation contained in that little baby!

All the prophesy is about to be fulfilled.  That child will heal wounds, unite what has fallen apart and He will bring home those who have lost their way.  He will call us to be like little children if we hope to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

When I remember Michael's last days with us. He had become a little child.  Everything about him changed as he had total trust in God.  How I wish that I was more child like.  A child that would and could throw herself headlong into the waiting arms of her Savior.  That would abandon any thought of doing her will and only doing His.  To be obedient to what He asks of me.

As I sit between the candles of the Advent Wreath and the candles of the Menorah, I wait expectantly for the coming of my Savior.

Lord, I am waiting.
I will try to be silent.

Help me to be child like.
Help me to abandon my will and
be more obedient.

Let me open my heart to You.

~Cindy

The Year is Complete

Death is no more than falling blindly into the arms of God.
St. Maria Maravillas de Jesus

I almost can not comprehend that it has been a year today that Michael passed into eternity.  Some days it feels like mere minutes ago and some days it feels like eons have passed.

I have learned a lot about myself this past year.  I have encountered such kindness.  I have been disappointed by some and absolutely amazed by others.

This year I was drawn to purchase a Menorah.  As I researched how to correctly use it and celebrate Hanukkah I discovered that Hanukkah this year began on the day of Michael's Memorial Mass Celebration and will end on Christmas Eve.

First Night of Hanukkah

As I light the candles and pray the prayers I am comforted.  I have always found comfort in lights and  a lit candle in a window is a welcoming sign.  Hanukkah reminds us of God's miraculous love for us and His willingness to give us physical signs of His love and care for us.

When I am sad and missing Michael I know that it is more for me than for him.  I am happy that he is not suffering anymore.  More than anything I am grateful that Michael reconciled with the Church and God and was able to find peace.

I miss you Michael and am so very grateful for all my memories of  "our little life".

Lord, watch over me and those who loved Michael today.
Help us to remember the good.
Help us to remain grateful for all Your graces and comfort.

~Cindy

Rejoice, Rejoice!

Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow.  The same Everlasting Father, who takes care of you today, will take care of you tomorrow.  He will either shield you from suffering, or give you unfailing strength to bear it.  Be at peace then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.
- St. Francis de Sales


Today is Guadete Sunday where we are called to Rejoice, to take a pause in our penitential preparation during the Advent season.  The season of Advent originated as a fast of forty days.  It was reduced in the ninth century to four weeks and by the twelfth century the fast had been replaced by simple abstinence.

The Priest wears rose vestments, we light the rose candle and we are called to rejoice!  The first reading from Isaiah reminds us the the Spirit of the Lord is upon him.  He has been anointed.  He is to bring glad tidings to the poor and to heal the brokenhearted.

The Responsorial Psalm proclaims:  My soul rejoices in my God.

The second reading from a Letter of Saint Paul to the Thessalonians starts out, "Rejoice always."  And finally the Gospel tells of Saint John the Baptist who is: " A voice crying out in the dessert, make straight the way of the Lord."

So here I stand in awe and wonder that God has placed me in the dessert, at a Church called Saint. John the Baptist, and He is reminding me that it is a time to REJOICE!

Lord,
Your ways are not my ways.
Your ways are a mystery to me.
Your ways lift me when I am tired,
and truly You heal the brokenhearted.

Help me Lord this week especially.
Be my help and my salvation.
Help me to focus on the celebration.
Help me to be a voice crying out in the dessert!

~Cindy

Did You Wonder Where I Was?

Beware not to disturb yourself, nor to be irritated on account of the defects of others, for it would be folly, because you saw a man throw himself into a pit, to throw yourself into another.
St. Bonaventure

Yes, I am late.  It was the Second Sunday of Advent and now it is Tuesday of that week.  My head has been spinning of late.   For some unknown reason I keep having a memory of an event in the Bahamas creep into my head.

It was around this time of year and the weather had been just awful.  It was so windy that we were tucked in a cove for over a week with steady wind around 40 knots with higher gusts.  We were safe, and our wind generator was making so much energy that we had to divert power! But we were getting a little stir crazy on the boat.  Finally we decided to launch the dinghy and go ashore for a walk.

As we climbed the bluff we could hear the waves crashing on the beach.  It was incredibly loud and as we approached the top we started to get sprayed.  The waves were huge, the beach was all but obliterated by them.  In fact they were crashing on the top of the bluff.  It was a sight to behold.  As we were standing there on occasion we would get glimpses of the beach and the amount of trash was unfathomable.

We returned in a couple of days after things had calmed down to go shelling.  There among the trash of broken and twisted items lay an unbroken light bulb.  I was amazed that it had made it unscathed to lay there reflecting the sun.

I feel like I am caught up in huge waves.  Being tossed about like so much trash, deposited on the beach only to be pulled back out to sea for more tossing about in the water.  I am distracted by others behaviors and find that once again my sin of judging is front and center.

I so want to be filled with anticipation and joy at the coming of Our Lord's Nativity, but there is this uneasiness that floats over me.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  I miss Michael!  I know it will pass as will the season.  But I don't just want it to pass unnoticed or unacknowledged, I want to feel it all.  The longing, the anticipation, the sadness, and the Hope.

Lord,
Help me to be like that light bulb.
No matter how tossed about I am or how bruised and battered.
Let me rest on the beach and reflect the light of Your Son.

~Cindy