The Year is Complete

Death is no more than falling blindly into the arms of God.
St. Maria Maravillas de Jesus

I almost can not comprehend that it has been a year today that Michael passed into eternity.  Some days it feels like mere minutes ago and some days it feels like eons have passed.

I have learned a lot about myself this past year.  I have encountered such kindness.  I have been disappointed by some and absolutely amazed by others.

This year I was drawn to purchase a Menorah.  As I researched how to correctly use it and celebrate Hanukkah I discovered that Hanukkah this year began on the day of Michael's Memorial Mass Celebration and will end on Christmas Eve.

First Night of Hanukkah

As I light the candles and pray the prayers I am comforted.  I have always found comfort in lights and  a lit candle in a window is a welcoming sign.  Hanukkah reminds us of God's miraculous love for us and His willingness to give us physical signs of His love and care for us.

When I am sad and missing Michael I know that it is more for me than for him.  I am happy that he is not suffering anymore.  More than anything I am grateful that Michael reconciled with the Church and God and was able to find peace.

I miss you Michael and am so very grateful for all my memories of  "our little life".

Lord, watch over me and those who loved Michael today.
Help us to remember the good.
Help us to remain grateful for all Your graces and comfort.

~Cindy

Rejoice, Rejoice!

Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow.  The same Everlasting Father, who takes care of you today, will take care of you tomorrow.  He will either shield you from suffering, or give you unfailing strength to bear it.  Be at peace then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.
- St. Francis de Sales


Today is Guadete Sunday where we are called to Rejoice, to take a pause in our penitential preparation during the Advent season.  The season of Advent originated as a fast of forty days.  It was reduced in the ninth century to four weeks and by the twelfth century the fast had been replaced by simple abstinence.

The Priest wears rose vestments, we light the rose candle and we are called to rejoice!  The first reading from Isaiah reminds us the the Spirit of the Lord is upon him.  He has been anointed.  He is to bring glad tidings to the poor and to heal the brokenhearted.

The Responsorial Psalm proclaims:  My soul rejoices in my God.

The second reading from a Letter of Saint Paul to the Thessalonians starts out, "Rejoice always."  And finally the Gospel tells of Saint John the Baptist who is: " A voice crying out in the dessert, make straight the way of the Lord."

So here I stand in awe and wonder that God has placed me in the dessert, at a Church called Saint. John the Baptist, and He is reminding me that it is a time to REJOICE!

Lord,
Your ways are not my ways.
Your ways are a mystery to me.
Your ways lift me when I am tired,
and truly You heal the brokenhearted.

Help me Lord this week especially.
Be my help and my salvation.
Help me to focus on the celebration.
Help me to be a voice crying out in the dessert!

~Cindy

Did You Wonder Where I Was?

Beware not to disturb yourself, nor to be irritated on account of the defects of others, for it would be folly, because you saw a man throw himself into a pit, to throw yourself into another.
St. Bonaventure

Yes, I am late.  It was the Second Sunday of Advent and now it is Tuesday of that week.  My head has been spinning of late.   For some unknown reason I keep having a memory of an event in the Bahamas creep into my head.

It was around this time of year and the weather had been just awful.  It was so windy that we were tucked in a cove for over a week with steady wind around 40 knots with higher gusts.  We were safe, and our wind generator was making so much energy that we had to divert power! But we were getting a little stir crazy on the boat.  Finally we decided to launch the dinghy and go ashore for a walk.

As we climbed the bluff we could hear the waves crashing on the beach.  It was incredibly loud and as we approached the top we started to get sprayed.  The waves were huge, the beach was all but obliterated by them.  In fact they were crashing on the top of the bluff.  It was a sight to behold.  As we were standing there on occasion we would get glimpses of the beach and the amount of trash was unfathomable.

We returned in a couple of days after things had calmed down to go shelling.  There among the trash of broken and twisted items lay an unbroken light bulb.  I was amazed that it had made it unscathed to lay there reflecting the sun.

I feel like I am caught up in huge waves.  Being tossed about like so much trash, deposited on the beach only to be pulled back out to sea for more tossing about in the water.  I am distracted by others behaviors and find that once again my sin of judging is front and center.

I so want to be filled with anticipation and joy at the coming of Our Lord's Nativity, but there is this uneasiness that floats over me.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  I miss Michael!  I know it will pass as will the season.  But I don't just want it to pass unnoticed or unacknowledged, I want to feel it all.  The longing, the anticipation, the sadness, and the Hope.

Lord,
Help me to be like that light bulb.
No matter how tossed about I am or how bruised and battered.
Let me rest on the beach and reflect the light of Your Son.

~Cindy

The First Sunday of Advent

Jesus is honey in the mouth, music in the ear and a shout of joy in the heart.
-St. Bernard of Clairvaux

Preparation.  We are or should be in preparation mode.  Advent is here!

I could not help but think of Mary and how she was preparing for the birth of Our Lord.   What great Faith she had.  Unmarried, espoused to a man that could have turned his back on her, living in an occupied country, and yet she believed that God was going to take care of everything.

My faith waivers occasionally in the face of the unknown or when I am not sure of what God wants from me.  I hear Him knocking and sometimes I hesitate to answer His call.  I am fearful of what He will ask of me.  Some days I can not even be a witness in small ways.

I complain about other drivers, parishioners that are not behaving the way I think they should, the clerk at Wal-Mart, and my friends on Facebook.

So here I am in preparation mode again.  I am trying to remember the reason for the Season.  It has always been my favorite Season.  There is a hopefulness in the Season of Christmas.  There is a sense that all can be right with the world.  But this will be my second Christmas without Michael.  The first Christmas without him came so fast of the heels of his death that I was numb.  Now I am struggling with decorating.  Should I or shouldn't I?  Michael would want me to decorate and enjoy all that the Season has to offer.

I remember when he asked me if I thought he could make it to Midnight Mass and I had to tell him that I did not think he would be here for Christmas.  Yet all around me Christmas lights twinkled in the night dispelling the darkness, carols wafted in the air, and Mass was celebrated.

It is not enough for me to just sit in my pew.  No I am called to more.  I am called to be a witness.  I am called to open the door and invite Jesus into my heart.  I am called to be a light that dispels the darkness.

Lord,
I ask you to come into my heart
this Christmas Season.
Open it wide so that I may be a light in the darkness.
Open it wide so that I may be kind to those that are unkind.
Open it wide so that I may be a gentle reminder of Your Love.
Help me to have the Faith of Mary.

~Cindy

Thanksgiving

The body is our cell, and the soul is a hermit who stays within the cell for praying to the Lord and meditating on Him.
    St. Francis of Assisi

I sit here the day before Thanksgiving and can not help but remember last Thanksgiving.  Last year was Michael's last earthly Thanksgiving.  We all knew it and so did he.  It was truly the best Thanksgiving that I think I have ever celebrated.

We were with family.  We had all kinds of contingency plans if Michael couldn't stay for the whole celebration.  But he surprised us all by sitting in the recliner with that sweet smile on his face drinking in everything!

This Thanksgiving marks the last of my firsts.  No more this is the first (fill in the blank) without Michael.  Now I am headed for the first anniversary of his death.  The year has moved faster and slower than I thought it would.  It has been a roller coaster.  I find myself looking forward more than looking back.  I am making plans. Plans to move on and to live my life.

I often talk to Michael and wonder what he is thinking when he sees me struggle with a volt meter setting or using the power screwdriver.  I know that I have given him some good laughs.  But as much as I miss him I KNOW that he is with God.  He is so unconcerned with the earthly mundane things that fill our days.  But I believe that Michael still cares and loves each of us.  My God would not separate us from those that we loved on earth.

So this Thanksgiving I am grateful for many things.  In fact my heart is overflowing with gratitude.

Lord,
I give you thanks for each new day,
for the love and support of family and friends.

I give you thanks for the memories.
I give you thanks for the new plans.
I give you thanks for my faith.

Lord, help me to be the person that you want me to be.
Help me to be a reflection of you to everyone I meet.

~Cindy

Time

When I was in High School my science teacher had a sign under the wall clock.  It read: TIME WILL PASS, WILL YOU?

I can not begin to tell you how many times when I was looking to see if class was over that the only thing I could see was that sign.  The phrase has stayed with me all these years.  I think of it when I am anxious for some event to happen or when I feel like time is standing still. " It is all about perspective" to quote Fr. Charlie.

Now I live in Arizona on the border of Nevada.  Nevada honors daylight savings time and we do not. So time can be confusing.  I travel twenty minutes to church but the clock shows that I either gain or lose an hour in those twenty minutes depending on which way I am traveling.  I keep a clock set to Nevada time in my house.  It makes it easier for me, except when I look at it and think that is Arizona  time.

My prayer partner lives in a different time zone all together and every year, twice a year we do the dance when the time change occurs.  We never can get it right.  We are math challenged anyway.  We have depended on our respective spouses to tell us when we should be praying in our time zones.  They have tried to explain it to us, but we only want the answer.  We do not want to see their work.  The first couple of days we are still getting organized and every time we pray early or late and apologize to each other.  By then end of the first week we are back on course and all new alarms are in working order.  Now, of course, you can use your smartphone to tell you what time it is anywhere in the world.  Not that that has helped either of us!

Sometimes I become confused about what time zone I live in.  Sometimes I become confused about which world I live in.  I forget that I am only here for a little while and that my true home is heaven.  I should not concern myself with manmade things.  My focus should be on God.  But like the time change and living on the border I do not always look at the right clock.

I spend my time being concerned about the conversations swirling around me before Mass.  My focus is gone.  I am more concerned with the speck in another's eye than the plank in mine.  I spend time in laziness and procrastination.

God tells us that we know not the hour or the day and that death will come like a thief in the night.  That is the only time we should be concerned about.  Have I used my time and talents wisely?  Will I be able to give a good accounting?

I think of how Michael and I spent our last months together.  We knew that his time was coming to an end on this earth and we were trying our hardest to make the most of it.  I believe that when I am asked to give an accounting of my time, that those months are at the top of my list of time that I am most proud.  It was not squandered.  I did not procrastinate.  I held every moment dear.

Lord,
So many times in the past I have squander time.
I have forgotten that time is a gift.
Help me to spend my time as you would have me spend it.
Help me to use my time to become the person that you want me to be.
Yes Lord,
Time will pass, 
Help me to pass also.

~Cindy

Happy Birthday

I was like a stone lying in the deep mire; and He that is mighty came, and in His mercy lifted me up; verily raised me aloft and placed me on the top of the wall.
St. Patrick of Ireland

Today November 2, 2014 is Michael's birthday.  It is the first birthday that we are not together to celebrate.

This means that my year of "firsts" is coming to an end.  It is so very hard to think that we are not together to celebrate.  As our birthdays are only a day apart, we celebrated usually in between.

Last year our dear friends came to help us celebrate.  Boy did we celebrate.  It was a week of eating, laughing, and more importantly acknowledging that it would be the last time we would be together on this earth.  We were honest and talked about it.  We said those things we wanted to say to each other.  As exhausted as Michael was he said to me, " I would not have missed a moment of this for the world."

I am thinking of you and missing you and a little sad that you won't be here to see me turn 60!  I will miss you giving me a hard time about being an old lady.  But I will celebrate!  I will live my life, I will find new adventures and you will always be with me.

Lord,
I ask you to lift this stone from the mire.
Help me to remember that there is still celebration ahead.
I look forward to the day that we are all together;
Celebrating in Heaven.

Happy Birthday Michael!

~Cindy