The Holidays

What cannot be said will be wept.
Sappho


Weeping is the hardest part for me.  Once I start I am terrified that I will not be able to stop. The waves of grief crash over me with such ferocity that I am crushed under them gasping for breath.

Everywhere I look people are in the Holiday Season and I, not unlike many others, am in my Season of Grief.

New layers were added to my grief this year.  The loss of my daughter, Kelly, this summer and the passing of what would have been her 43rd birthday this past October.  The rapid approach of December 18th.  The 6th year anniversary of Michael’s death.  Christmas Day the first anniversary of my father’s death.  I feel like the bush in the photo, dormant covered in the weight of the cold unforgiving snow.  I can barely remember my spring when the first green shoots appear and later in my full glory under the sun I flowered and was full of hope.

My heart is heavy with it’s burdens and laughter seems like a blasphemy.  I have no will to celebrate and fill my days with shopping and merrymaking.  Instead, I wish to sit and ponder my memories and wrap myself in their warmth until the New Year when perhaps, once again I can flower and bask in the warmth of hope and new beginnings.

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough. —Meister Eckhart

Our pre-Thanksgiving is over and others are still preparing for theirs.

Dad is in Home Hospice and we moved the table into the living room so that we were all in the same room for dinner.  He doesn't come to the table any more.  We reminded each other that it is not what is on the table, but who is around the table.

It is difficult to realize that this is his last Thanksgiving.  We will never have him with us in a physical sense, but he will always be with us.  He will continue to be with us in the shared memories and stories we tell over the years.  A piece of him will live on in each of us in the depths of our hearts.

There is so much to be grateful for this year.  The time we sped together, the laughter and the tears.  It is all a reminder that we are finite beings and our time on this planet is limited.

The care of our Dad is a joyful duty that will never come close to repaying, all that he has given us and continues to give us.

Lord, when I become
lost in my self
help me to remember
that I am simple the vessel
and that You are the Potter.
~Cindy

Our Birthdays Are Past

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

-Psalm 34:18

This is such a hard time of year for me.  I miss celebrating our birthdays together.  I miss Michael everyday but this time of year is especially hard.

So, here I am almost five years since his death and I am preparing for my father's death.  This is hard not only because I am grieving but because I know that my Dad is going to read this blog.

So much is going on...preparing for my siblings to arrive for early Thanksgiving and Cynthia's visit this weekend.  Each day we have tasks that range from the mundane to things that must be reviewed and talked about.  We are getting our ducks in order.

We laugh, we joke, we tear up.  This is when God showers you with grace.  You must be open to it. A friend of my parents gave me this card on Sunday.

Remember, the LORD will provide someone or something to get you through any difficulty.

Lord, help me to see your grace.

Help me to not focus on the loss but,
on the here and now.

~Cindy

Atrocities At Our Front Door

Glorified and sanctified be God’s great name throughout the world
which He has created according to His will.

May He establish His kingdom in your lifetime and during your days,
and within the life of the entire House of Israel, speedily and soon;
and say, Amen.

May His great name be blessed forever and to all eternity.

Blessed and praised, glorified and exalted, extolled and honored,
adored and lauded be the name of the Holy One, blessed be He,
beyond all the blessings and hymns, praises and consolations that
are ever spoken in the world; and say, Amen.

May there be abundant peace from heaven, and life, for us
and for all Israel; and say, Amen.

He who creates peace in His celestial heights,
may He create peace for us and for all Israel;
and say, Amen.

Kaddish- English Translation

Let us not forget that those who were slaughtered in their Synagogue are our brothers and sisters.

  Let us not forget that Jesus was a Jew. 

 Let us not forget that he was an obedient Jew.

  Let us not forget that he read from the Torah and worshipped in the Synagogue.

We must fight this evil in our country and in our own hearts.

O Father God and Lord of all,

Look down on your children as they weep and mourn.

Comfort the widow and the orphan.

~Cindy

Looking Into My Parents Marriage

Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it be rather a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
-Kahil Gilbran, "The Prophet"







As a child I viewed my parents simply as my parents.  I had no understanding of their triumphs or tragedies.   Their struggles, if any were concealed in the fact that they were my parents.   They were in many ways a mystery to me.

Now they have celebrated 65 years together!  Now I am assisting them as they face the fact that my father is dying and in home hospice.  I do not claim to understand their marriage, for it is still a mystery to me.  But I have had moments where clarity of their love, respect for each other, and their Faith in the plan of The Man Upstairs washes over me.

I see the dance that they have perfected over the years.  Sometimes one is the leader and other times not, they twirl and spin through the life they have created with the occasional mis-step, but always the hands reach out across the space and they continue their dance.

The music that they dance to is private.  Occasionally, I can faintly hear it in my heart; where the best music is played.  The look that passes between them, the kiss for no reason other than they want to kiss each other, and the laughter.  There is so much laughter and so many memories that they are sharing.

I can see them now as people, people that I have been privileged to call my parents.  They are the best example of what marital love is that I know.  They have lived their wedding vows completely.

Lord, Thank you for the example
of married love that you provided to me.

Continue to strengthen their love and give them
Your Peace.

-Cindy

Be the Shamash Candle

The spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me; he has sent me to bring glad tidings to the poor, to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and release to the prisoners, to announce a year of a of favor from the Lord and a day of vindication by our God.  - Isaiah 61:1-2a





Gaudete Sunday finds me on the day before the fourth anniversary of Michael's death.

I am reminded as we put away our purple and wear our rose colored vestments that we should REJOICE!

Rejoicing has absolutely nothing to do with being happy.  It has everything to do with remembering from where our strength comes and how we face our trials and tribulations.  If, when we are at our lowest and find ourselves sitting in darkness we need only to look at the light...Hanukkah lights, Christmas lights, Advent wreath lights, and most importantly the Light of Christ.

Christ fills the darkness so completely that it can knock us to our knees.  It can be the flicker in the distance that helps us continue to put one foot in front of the other.  It is the light that dispels the shadows and signifies hope.

Rabbi David Wolf reminds us that the Shamash is the candle that lights the others.  We should each be the Shamash Candle, not only during this season, but every day of our lives.

Lord,
I ask that you help me be the Shamash Candle.
Help me to dispel the darkness.

Help me to REJOICE!

~Cindy

"You Look Like You Could Use A Boat Ape"

Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
- St. Gregory the Great

There was a time going into the Dry Tortugas during a storm that we almost put the boat on a reef.  Boats from all over were seeking shelter in the small harbor.  By the time that we arrived there was limited space.

Michael was driving the boat and I was at the anchor.  We tried at least five times in the driving rain, wind and swells to anchor the boat.  The anchor would not hold.  The winch that lifted the anchor and the anchor chain was broken.  I had to drop and raise the anchor by hand. Each time they got heavier, yet I had to drop it and lift it back up.  We were exhausted from our efforts.  To make me even more disheartened was that we were with a buddy boat that got in earlier and were anchored.  They offered no help.

Just as we were about to give up a large Samoan came aboard and said, "You look like you could use a boat ape."  With those words he took over the anchoring and his friend guided us to a patch of sand that would hold us.  Incredibly after anchoring us they returned with two thermoses.  One held the best coffee I had ever tasted and the other was full of warm soup.  There was warm bread and cookies in another bag.  They then took our daughter over to one of their boats were they had all their kids watching a Disney movie.

Those strangers sheltered us.  They fed us.  If you haven't been to the Dry Tortugas then you may not be aware that there are NO supplies there, not even water!  They shared what they had with us.  They shared with people that they had never met before.  They were our good Samaritans.

As Lent begins tomorrow  I was reminded of these two families and how they acted towards this boat of strangers.  They were better to us than our "friends".  They were willing to sacrifice from their own supplies.  They offered food, comfort and companionship in a harsh environment.

As I sit in the desert far from the ocean I am reminded of what it means to give, to shelter, and to comfort.

O Lord,
I stand before you lost in the mire.
My heart is heavy and I am lost.

Help me to turn my focus from myself
but to others.

Help me to give,
to shelter,
and to comfort.

~Cindy