Sunday, February 8, 2015
I am a worrier!
"All things that are now worrying you can be put into a smile which shows your love of God."
St. Josemaria Escriva
I just returned from some time in Mexico. It was a wonderful relaxing time full of walking, amazing food and company beyond compare.
It was the first time I have flown since Michael passed. I do not like to fly. I worry and become so anxious. But I did it. It was not until I was in Mexico that I came to realize just how tightly I was wound and needed just to relax and breathe.
Each day the Catholic Church at the bottom of an extremely steep cobblestone hill rang the bells at ten minutes to the hour for Mass. The priest would barely leave the altar and he would return to say the next Mass. None of the Masses were crowded, yet the bells pealed all the same calling us to Mass or reminding us that Mass was being said. The doors were open and passersby would peek in or steal a photo and just stand in the door.
I worried that I would not be able to follow along in Spanish but they provided a small four page pamphlet that I was able to follow quite easily. I was worried that I would not be able to join in any of the singing, but low and behold the Communion song was one of my favorite songs. In fact, it was the Communion song I had picked for Michael's Memorial Mass. It was as if Our Lord was telling me see, I really am every where and I really do care about the smallest of your concerns.
Now I am back and a good week away from Mexico. Slowly slipping into my usual routine. Now I am worried about my up coming trip. Why? I don't know. I do know this. It was easy to be confident in my opinions and decisions when Michael was there to be my sounding board. Now I must stand on my own two feet. For the first time since I was in High School I do not have a man in my daily life. No one that I am dating, or thinking about dating. No one that I am married to. Just me, Cindy.
I am learning who I am and where I want to go. I am learning what kind of person I want to be. I am learning to rely on me. It is so different when you can't say that your partner led you one way or the other. It is easy to dismiss them and their opinions when you know that they will be there to pick you up. It is easier when they know that you worry about every little thing and they assure you that you are doing alright.
I know that sometimes Michael must chuckle or laugh out loud at me and some of my foolishness. I still talk to him and know that I always will. I am getting stronger.
You know how I worry and fret,
You know my lack of trust.
Help me to let go and trust you.
You would think by now I would know
that Your plan always outshines mine.