Bereft

I saw Michael's headstone in person for the first time. Today would have been our 24th wedding anniversary.

I sat in the grass hugging that marble that had his name etched upon it. I cried until I thought my head would not stop hurting and I would never catch my breath. I rubbed it and laid my head on it and told him so many things.

I sat there on the ground for hours, ants climbing over me and dragonflies surrounded me. The Texas sun was warm and occasionally there was a breeze. All around me were the fallen.  I could not bring myself to leave. I would gather my belongings and start to stand...then my head would find itself once again upon the stone or my finger would trace his name and I could not leave.

I am not sure what to do with this pain. So I must lay it in the heart of my Lord.

Lord, I hand you my broken heart.

I hand you my pain.

You are my comfort.

~Cindy

Be Still...

I am getting my pre-trip jitters.  That includes being anxious, making endless lists, and lots of sleep interrupted nights.

Every mother in the world has asked her child to, "Be Still."  Sometimes it is with actual words and sometimes it is a hand on the child's leg and sometimes it is The Look.

All week God has been asking me to "Be Still".  He knows how I panic right before a trip.  Did I pack the right clothes, the right amount of clothes?  Do I have everything that I promised to bring everyone?  Will I be able to see everyone that I need to see?  And so it goes.  I am in full Martha mode!

And yet the message remains the same, "Be Still."

I remember while in Guatemala several of us had made a trip to some water falls for the day.  You could find a peaceful part of the river and sit on a rock in the middle and if you were STILL, you were rewarded.  Suddenly you could see all the small life that was happening right there at your feet.  I remember that a certain friend came and sat next to me.  He kept moving his feet back and forth in the water disturbing my peace.  I asked, "Can't you just be still for a moment?"

The one place that I could usually be still was at night, at the helm of our boat in the middle of the ocean.  Sometimes the sky would be ebony with pinpoints of light and you could hear the water as we moved through it and the wind tugging on our sails, pulling us ever closer to our destination.  Some nights the moon would shine and light our way and the water would shimmer all around us and there would be phosperesence in our wake.  At night with everyone sleeping below I was STILL.  I felt engulfed in God's arms.

Psalm 46:10 
“Be still, and know that I am God. 
I will be exalted among the nations, 
I will be exalted in the earth!”

The prophet Elijah in today's reading hears God in the whisper of a breeze.  Today's meditation song reminded me, "Be Not Afraid", and Jesus stilled the waters for the Apostles.  I hear God speak my own words back to me..."Can't you just be still for a moment?"

Jesus, please still 
the anxiousness of my mind.
Help me to be not afraid.
I have seen you calm the waters of the ocean,
you always brought me home to safe harbor.
I ask you to still the tumult of my mind and 
whisper to me on the breeze.

~Cindy

My One Year Blog Anniversary!

One year ago today I began this blog.  I was complaining about being in the desert.  I was so unsure about what God wanted from me.  In this one year He has begun to lift the veil and show me His plan.  I have not always agreed with His plan, but as we all know God has a way of bringing you around to His Way.

Today in St. Paul's letter to the Romans I could see the community being read St. Paul's words.  He was so full of passion and his words moved me.  I was and am especially moved by this passage:

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I wish that I could tell you that I have this confidence that St. Paul speaks of everyday, but, no I get sidetracked.  I become uncertain.  I am afraid.  Then ever so gently God speaks and calms my heart and mind.  I am reassured by His word.  Our Lord gives me His Mother for my mother.  She strengthens me daily.

Lord, I know not what you have in store for me this coming year.
I face it with full knowledge and confidence that You will be beside me.
You will be my strength and comfort.
You may test me, but You will give me the grace to endure the test.
And I shall Rejoice!

~Cindy